I'm just going to start out with saying I don't know if this is in the correct forum for the content, so feel free to move it.
Over the past few weeks, I've been thinking about my life and trying to discern the reasons for my unhappy and stressed life. I'm pretty sure it happened eight-ish years ago in 2007 (in
PA) when my parents got divorced. Before then, I had been a happy kid (even though my parents had been fighting) with friends and a kind of confidence and non-shyness which I possess today. Anyways, after the divorce, I didn't think that it really affected me, but I started to spend less time with others and more time alone. I was starting to become really nonsocial. (Right now I would also like to add that in school I have no difficulties in school [except for group projects, speeches, etc.]; I have been told by all my peers and teachers how smart I am, but that's besides the point; I just didn't want anyone thinking I'm a complete dumb ass) So, yea, I was starting to get antisocial in school and just in general. This gradually increased until around seventh grade. I had like two friends and they weren't even really my friends. School sucked hard and I only went because of my parents. That was their only expectation for me-to do well in school. The only "real" friends I had were my little brother and two kids with whom I played computer games with. I'm pretty sure if I had stayed in Pennsylvania any longer after that, I would've killed myself. So, after the seventh grade school year, my dad got a job offer to move to Washington. I had the choice to either stay in
PA or move to WA. Only reason I moved to WA was because my mom was really pissing me off and I couldn't imagine living with only her because in
PA I would switch houses every week. Ok, so I moved to WA at the end of 2013 (I think) and started off in eighth grade. First day was shit because I knew no one and have fk'ing social anxiety. Wasn't really just the first day; more like the first three(ish) weeks (probably longer) were like this until I kind of forced my way into some friends. I missed a lot of school in eighth grade mainly because I didn't feel a desire or want to go. Even with my friends I didn't really talk and I felt alone. Also, every Wednesday, there was a late start to school of about two hours, but the buses only came an hour later, so I kind of spent a lot of time waiting for school to start in the bathroom stalls. So eighth grade was kind of bad, but could've been worse. Since I still didn't really have any friends, I went back and spent the summer in
PA which kind of sucked because when I left
PA, I basically told my one friend to "f off" so it was a lot of staying in the basement, playing video games. I went back to WA. Freshman year so far has been pretty shit. I'm still friends with two of those four friends I met in middle school and have made a few more, but every time I come home, I just don't want to live. If I even try to open up to one of my friends, they just basically ignore me or say their problems are more important, so I listen to them. I've got no one in my life to share my problems with. I've told this one girl, but all she ever does is tell my one friend and he gets mad at me for not telling him and/or just doesn't care. Recently (along w/ last year) I've kind of just felt "done" and I don't really care about going to school. I've skipped a few days recently, but it would've been a lot more had it not been for me caring so much about my "public image." Whenever I miss a day, I have to make up a lie about being sick, etc. and I tell that to my friends, parents, and teachers. I've got a girlfriend, but after talking with my one friend, I don't really even think she cares about me and she was kind of the only reason for going to school lately. I've thought about suicide and wondered if anyone would really care. My dad seems to just view me as an object and not really a person. Like, I feel all he ever does for me is provide financially and cook. He's never really been there as a "father" and I don't think he would care if I died. He'd probably shed some tears just to make others think that. The only reason I haven't done it is because of me caring of others' opinions. If I killed myself, I just think others would view me as a worthless person because of the "easy" life I've had or at least they think so. If I don't skip school, I'll probably kill myself, so I've been skipping school and watching anime. I just hope I'm not questioned tomorrow if I go to school. I don't want to make up another lie. No one loves me and I hate myself.
Sincerely,
Nate T.