Ok. This is basically everything I have been wanting to tell me parents but never have been able to.
When I was 6, my parents got divorced. I was at that age that everyone thought, Oh yea she won't remember it, she'll be fine, so no one ever talked to me about it and they all thought I forgot about it. That I had forgotten about walking into the kitchen to hear my parent screaming at each other, to have my dad walk into his room and start packing his suitcase, to have me walk in and ask him when he was coming back and him telling me he wasn't sure. To have me wait everyday for a reply to my emails for several months with no response. To later find out he told my mum that he never wanted to see or hear from me again, and to tell me to stop.
When I was 7 I tried to kill myself. I was 7 for crying out loud. I mean what 7 year old is done with life by then? Apparently me. When it didn't work I tried again at 8. And 9. No one knew because I was home alone. Technically that's illegal but they really didn't care about that. Although the one when I was 9 it was the middle of the night.
When I was that young, I had to wait up at night waiting for my mum to come home. I was terrified of the dark, I was 8 ok?, and every time it got past 6 I would start having panic attacks and seeing things around every corner. Still, no one knew. When my mum eventually got home, she would send me to sleep and then drink alcohol until she went mad. She never saw me watching her from around the corner terrified of telling her I was scared, of everything, because I was scared she would hurt me. I stood behind my door every night to hide from the monsters under my bed, so they couldn't grab me in my sleep, and when my mum checked on me in the middle of the night, I'll be laying on the floor asleep behind my door. Obviously these were on the days when she didn't go crazy in the kitchen.
When I was about 10 I got told to start seeing my dad again. I was ecstatic. Of course I didn't know yet he didn't actually want to see me, and this was also before I knew he had a girlfriend who he thought didn't affect me or my sister, and didn't affect our lives in anyway so he never thought to mention this to us. I mean he had plenty of opportunities, the entire time we were in court, the weekends we spent there, the weeks we spent there against our will at this point. My sister had taken to locking herself in her room screaming for him to go away, and I was too scared to say no, because he physically abused me. Just no one knew. Oh and he also yells and when he yells he hits. I have grown up being terrified of him because of all the pain he caused me.
In grade 8 I started getting bullied. Whatever they thought of, they called me. And did to me. I was pushed and tripped and beaten up, in grade 4 this happened too but not so bad, just humiliated in front of my entire class and sent to detention for defending myself against someone bullying me but anyway, in grade 8 I was officially labelled as a rude heartless bitch who doesn't care about anyone, although everyone will probably think that that is stupid to care about people saying that, that is the only thing that hurts because once upon a time I cared to much about people and now my only defence system is to act like I don't care even though I still care to much. My best friends now hate me because I said something heartless, because I was acting like I didn't care about anything, even though I cared. But I still hurt from these people bullying me, there was more, I'm just not going to go into details.
By now I have tried to kill myself 3 times, Had severe depression by the time I was in grade 7 till grade 10. I have ben self harming for the past year although I stopped today. Hopefully. I didn't even know what it was in grade 7. If I had I guarantee I would have done it.
This is basically all the things my mum has never found out about and probably never will. To all the people who actually read all that, Wow you must be pretty bored but thanks for reading it all. Hope you had fun.
