[Spirit.]

Hi there,

Like Jordan said, this could count at statutory rape. I don't know where you live, but in the US, I am aware that the age ranges between 14 and 18, depending on each state. I think it is around 12 or 13 is a couple of states, maybe? But the point is, having been 11 or 12 years old at the time you engaged in sex with a man pretty much triple your age, the law would consider this under statutory rape.

In the event that you don't understand what exactly statutory rape is, it is a law based on the premise that up until a certain age, the understanding of what consent is and an inability to give proper consent makes it illegal for an adult to engage in sex with anyone below that certain age.

Before I get into the religious part of this, I want to point something out. Though it may have felt good and you didn't feel like you were raped and thought that your experience was good, it was illegal for that person to have sex with you. What's important to consider at this point is why you posted asking for clarification on whether you were raped or not. This could indicate that maybe you've been thinking about this and whether it was something that should have happened at all and it is causing a lot of thoughts to go around in your head that aren't making you feel good.

Religion my make you start questioning whether what you should have done was right or not by the way of your religion. Still it also means that you're only living your life the way that religion says is okay, but not considering what is okay or right for you, personally. Religion acts as guidelines more than rules, from what I've seen, but it looks like some may confuse the two and suggest that you should only live your life the way your religion allows you without giving yourself space to have your own experience.

Coming back to connecting the two, though something is not adhering to your religion - the part where you feel guilt over have had a sexual experience with a man - it could also impact your psychologically, as you grow up - the fact that sexual consent is something that hard to understand, especially because you haven't been given the opportunity to discover an understand your sexuality by yourself. Someone nudged you to experience that, when you hadn't even hit puberty and understood sexual experience.

The reason you miss him so much, is probably because that was your first sexual experience and you depended on that person emotionally as well. But I need to advise caution because you also need to understand that it was illegal. And chances are that this man was fully aware of it and he convinced you to go along with it because it was his intention.

I don't know if this helps you, but I felt I needed to let you know and help you be aware of what that situation could have been. I'm sorry if this doesn't make you feel better.

But do let me know if you need to talk.

Take care,
Kaveri