Thread: Non-PG13 (Strong Language): Just want it to go away, and STOP!
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Name: Cerrina Foster
Age: 21
Gender: Female
Location: Fresno Cali

Posts: 7
Join Date: January 13th 2017

Exclamation Just want it to go away, and STOP! - January 15th 2017, 02:11 AM

It's worse. Why do I always get worst! Why can't I just feel better damn it! I'm not getting better. I thought maybe a few days and id feel better. Give it some fucking time, but no. Damn it because now I'm more lossy than before. Why the hell does this crap have to always happen to me? It isn't bad enough that my mum tried to fucking put me in a damn psych ward, even though I'm not crazy, but than she all but throws me on the streets, only to pick me up once o finally got the flow of things, and send me on a plane to California, where I know nobody, except my two cousins my aunt and my uncle. Than what does she do? Completely ignores my birthday. No card, no text or call saying happy 17th birthday! No, not even acknowledged. Than she thinks she can just call me the next day and two Me Kiki has terminal cancer? Jee, thanks mother! What great fixing support after you carted me to a different state.
Than, of course, I'm updated at least once a week about how my mum thinks I am a failure. Thanks a lot. As if it wasn't difficult enough trying to acclimate to a complete different life style, now I'm reminded weekly about how my own mother, who had the audacity to think that she is doing what she does for 'love', thinks I'm a total screwup and failure who destroys every thing in my path, and believes I can't do anything, and I'm just going to fail at this like I did everything else, and I'm not worth the effort. So much for 'love'. I mean, good God! I knew she never cared about me! Hell it was evident when she ignored me, or revised to talk to me about my strife, or my difficulty, all the while doting on dominik. Calling him an angel, and the the devil. Thanks a lot! I just can't fucking handle this anymore. I may have always dealt with feelings of self doubt and insecurity, and struggled to maintain the image of the perfect damn child to the whole damn world, but I don't need all my fears and past mistakes solved down my fuking throat thanks! Love? I don't think she knows what the meaning is! I mean, it is bad enough that she doesn't care, and sent me away, I don't need to be reminded of that! Hell, I didn't need to know that my only source of comfort for 14 years died of terminal the day after my birthday. I don't need to be constantly reminded that she thinks of me as the screwup, despite me almost perfect GPA throughout elementary middle and the forest year of high school. I don't need that right now! Why is it that fayre us so damn cruel? Is it not bad enough that I am already struggling to deal with all of these foreign emotions? Not good enough that I already feel like just ending my life to get out all over with so I don't have to listen to ask her crap secondhand, and I don't have to Spiro about damn emotions that I don't want to fucking feel? Oh, apparently not! Let's throw in some more crap that your mum thinks about you! As if I didn't already know she thought I should be in fucking a mental hospital! Now, let's just add the fact that if you go home she wants to put you in juvie, for no good damn reason! Oh, now maybe life is cruel enough huh? What the hell! As if I'm not already fighting against just ending my pathetic excuse for a life every damn day! I don't need my mum's drama put in the mix. I don't need to be reminded of all that crap! About how she doesn't talk about me at home, to the point I'm thought to have died! God! Really? Maybe I should, just to put them fucking straight!
Why do people have to be so cruel?why can't I just love a nice happy damn life? I don't understand why the universe has pitched it's pitchforks with fire, determined to drive me off the deep end. I cannot deal with all this crap! I'm already way too overwhelmed with feelings I don't understand and emotions I don't know how to express our handle. Every time I try to bury then, something just has to fucking come up to shove them back to the surface! Why is fate so decidedly cruel? Why can't I just ignore these damn feelings? I've been doing it for 5 yearsdamn it! Why is all of that changing now? I don't want to feel emotions! I don't want ask these negative fucking feelings. Just want to go numb again, so I don't feel, lime I've been. Why the hell is all of it just coming to the surface for no damn reason! I just want it all to stop. I don't want to deal with my feelings, I want them to go away! To just leave me alone! Is that such a complicated request? To just get them to go away? I already feel pathetic, and useless, I don't need more fucking emotions to reiterate all that to me!
Why won't they just leave me alone. I swear, I'm going to do something drastic if they don't go the hell away! And it isn't like I can just talk to someone about my life of hell! I just moved to fucking California damn it! Why is my life so idiotic! I just want to end it all, and make it all go away.
Just to get it to go away.
Cerrina Foster, light of the forest, that's what it means, that's what my name means, well, I feel like the dark of the forest right now.