Hey, Marissa
idk why I got excited, I just don't know many ppl with the same name as me...
ANYway. I know it's hard when the person you rely on most can't always be there to stop you when you're low, but often a phone call can help more than texting if you just lay there and close your eyes and listen to his voice. Eventually you will be able to rely on yourself to stop, not just him. One way to get started is to physically get rid of what you 'use', so you don't have easy access anymore. I know that basically anything can be turned into a weapon, but if you have to TRY that gives you more time to think about what you're about to do and therefore more of a chance to talk yourself out of it. I gave away my boxcutter to my boyfriend, and I told him not to give it back to me even if I asked. Not having my familiar tool has frustrated me, but in such a way that I was forced to think more instead of just going to the knife.
If you're not thinking much of the alternatives thread in action, just reading it can help you calm down. I know that most any will be a long-ass list that you can read for 30 minutes straight, giving you time to calm down. Call your boyfriend (or talk to a friend, or whomever you feel can help you with this) and try to come up with some alternatives that fit you specifically, like writing or guitar. Not everyone can jog to get their mind off stuff.
Also, coming onto
TH and ranting or just reading what's going on in people's lives can provide a release and an opportunity to take your mind out of what's going on in your life to make you low. We all care about you, and quite a few of us are going through a similar situation. I want you to stop, for your sake and
TH is an amazing source of ppl who care who are just a thread (or chat, or phone call, or hell- a drive) away from talking with you. Even if you're pissed and just want to vent to someone, it can help.
Finally, you're going to slip up. Your boyfriend should understand this, and you can explain it to him if he ever tries to guilt you when you have a relapse. Quitting
SH is incredibly hard, and you need his support- not his criticism or disappointment. Shame can only motivate you so far, and in some cases can actually make you lower. Let him know what he can do to help you. Even though he's a while away he can still be there for you.
Ok, i'm gonna stop typing but seriously if you ever want to talk just
PM me and I'm here. I love to listen, and I want to help. Take care <3