I'm sorry if I'm doing this wrong. I think something I'm a monster. I can't tell if I was just born as a monster or turned into one by circumstance. I was bullied as a child for my autism and "weirdness" for almost all of my life. I still get looks. I still feel the gazes of strangers on my back. I'm always nervous that I'm doing something wrong, so I constantly say sorry and ask people to check things for me. I am told I can do this or that without help but at the same time I'm told that I did a messy job or that my work is terrible. I hate having to act kind. My emotional support teachers know that I know how to be social but it wears on me. I can never be myself because myself is not kind, charming, or anything I am required to be. I'm always bombarded by work, expected to be doing something and if I take a minute to relax and calm my shaking nerves, I'm told that I'll get less time to do it later on and that I have to write 5 more essays this week, clean the entire rabbit house, make food for the animals, feed this or that, in only 2 hours. I have social and generalized anxiety, everything wears me down and makes me nervous quickly. I'm expected to be everything I'm not, and change in such a small period of time as well. When I finally get home and have some time to myself, I feel an animalistic need to unleash my bottled energy through "hunting." I chase my cats and dogs around the house, pretending to be an animal myself and be "dominant." I don't hurt them, I just torment them emotionally, which is just as bad. I use their anger to make them scratch me, bite me, make me bleed. I have wild fantasies of being a wolf hunting animals and killing them sadistically, biting their throats open and tearing open their insides. I'm a fucking monster. Why couldn't I have been born normal? I just want to die
