Thread: Inner conflict
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Name: Violet
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Inner conflict - March 29th 2017, 04:25 PM

Hey everyone,
I'm in an inner conflict. Since I turned 18, about 5 years ago, I've been doing a lot more for my health in terms of professional attention. This is vastly different from how I've been raised and j still get stigma and judgement for going to the doctor. I also don't want to overdue it but I'm finding myself still getting the hang of the health are system, and just I feel like a little kid learning these things and it is scary. Especially because family is oUT of the picture. They won't support me in my choices. They'll only tell me that I shouldn't get treatment or consult a professional at all.
On April 12th I'm scheduled for a follow up on my blood test, urine sample and such. I will also get an ultrasound on my thyroid. Has anyone had this or an ultrasound in general?
I got 3 referrals. One is to a gastroentologist. I am not comfortable removing my clothes whatsoever. I don't know what I'm going to be asked to do but I'm guessing a colonoscopy is one thing.
I just am struggling with my social skills, social anxiety, and the fact that I didn't go to the doctor as a kid so even checkups are confusing and I haven't grasped how to be efficient with doctors. I want to get to the point where I'm only telling the doctor what's important. Instead of being stumped by their questions and not knowing what to say. Because then things are left out or because I feel so on the spot and everything is so fast, I sat things are fine when they mag not be. But I also don't want to o erdue it and say things aren't fine when really it really is. Because I would feel guilt for wasting time.
I don't know if an ultrasound on my thyroid or having my colon checked are necessary but my doctor made the referral, I wasn't pressing for it. I was honest that thyroid function problems run in my family. But not thyroid cancer-it is a thyroid function problem like underachieving or overactive, well in my family it is underactive. My family are also immigrants and war refugees so I only know these things from word of mouth and becsuse my mom had underactive thyroid but that was also told to me through stories. I never talked to her about this directly.
Colon cancer also runs in my family. My grandfather had it and each of his siblings. The doctor said that it is a stretch and thats not really close family. Even when I said my uncles all have obesity, hypertension, and one has diabetes, I was told that's uncles are not 'close' relatives. But my I only have one living grandparent left and one parent so I don't really have anyone else to base it on.
I have observations and stories but I have to piece it all together. And I'm told colon cancer runs in the family but at the same time the people who got it, got it at an older age than what I am now.

But I am thinking, since I wasn't fully honest with my primary care doctor about abdominal didconfort, digestive problems, stomach problems etc if I can use the referral to a gastroentrology to express that concern. Since I'm thinking, if in 2 weeks j somehow mustered the courage to say I wasn't fully honest about things becsuse it has been happening for so long that it got too hard to talk about, I might be told to tell the gastroentologist doctor about it anyway.
I just don't know why she referred me if she specifically said grandparents are too far off for it to be considered as an issue. She wants to know if my parents have issues and I can't know what other conditions my mom would have had if she lived up to now. And my dad, he never ever ever goes to the doctor. He is in his 60s and hadn't gone to a doctor for 30 years. Just by living with him, I can see he has trouble with his dtomach, digestion. He says he just has a sensitive stomach and thats what he told me growing up-he wouldn't take me to a doctor becsuse he would insist that it is a problem I did to myself ie:ate too much that night, ate and then drank water, are a cretain comni nation of foods. And that all i had to do was make healther choices. But this problem is consistent for me and seems consistent for him too.
So j cut out dairy becsuse I'm lactose intolerant and this I know through my observations and I don't eat as much wheat. I choose rice and buckwheat and potatoes over wheat bread. But something still feels wrobg. Maybe I'm vitamin deficient? I will find out on April 12th I guess.
I just don't know if there's a point in seeing a gastroentrologist doctor. My dad would say definitely not. My doctor obviously chose that referral so she has a reason to think I can benefit. I told her I am tired a lot but that can be from many things.
I am not sure who to trust or how to make a decision. I feel alone. I can't tell my dad and that inherently makes me hesitant to trust my doctor becsuse I can't wrap my head around that my doctor-a stranger I just met once, would have my best interest at heart while my dad doesnt. I keep thinking if I can't trust my father, I can't trust anyone. Becsuse he is my father and the doctor isn't a parent or anyone close.
I am trying to be understanding that my dad has a hard time with doctors because of circumstances and experiences so it isn't out of nowhere. But at the same time he is projecting his fears and in the past he has invaded my privacy among other things in order to stop me from reaching out. He tries to stop me from seeing professionals either by putting me down or by direct control though now that I do things in secret he does less direct control. So I am not as mad at him as I could be because I respect that this is where he is in his life, but he is also my parent and I need him and he isn't being there for me in this situation and many others in the past and he is so inconsistent that I just lowered my expectations so I basically feel like I can't consult any adults in my personal life about this becsuse I get my emotional support from either professionals or online and I don't trust professionals entirely, though I can recognize a good professional when I meet one but there's always going to be that gap. And online support is my other place of reaching out so that's what I'm doing buy j also know most if you are in your teens and 20s, and you're my peers not my parent. But yeab, I'm stumped and don't want to take off my clothes and might end up refusing a colonoscopy by this fact alone. I was upset just by having the doctor check my breasts. refused to get checked on my waist or below. And I'm just afraid of doctors in general.