[Jess~]

trigger warning for referencing self-harm, sexual abuse, suicide, substances, and strong language.

"High school means change, I'm told.
I feel I know myself pretty well at this point,
not sure how much more I can change,
after all that I've been through...

To me, high school is going to mean freedom too,
to a point.
Freedom from my past.
Freedom from the trauma of a broken heart.
Freedom from the shy, sheltered girl I used to be.

I guess all I can do now is trust in God,
that he is guiding me down this path for a reason.

Please let me make friends this year."
-2013

---

"high school means rules.
and a fucking lot of them, too.
who the hell even needs rules?
who the hell even needs grades, for that matter??

to me, this year is going to mean freedom,
instead.
freedom from rules.
freedom from the bullies.
freedom from all the bullshit i took when i was a pussy.

no more being pushed around, this year, i'm the bully.
no more nice jess, the asshole is finally done taking so much shit.

just...
please don't let them see through my toughness."
-2014

---

"high school means loss, i've learned.
loss of friends, and the happiness we all shared together.
loss of everything i had at that old school.
i guess i'll never lose the memories.

to me, high school can mean freedom,
hopefully.
freedom from cutting.
freedom from loneliness.
is freedom from hating myself too much to ask for?

i'm tired of always being second-best.
why can't anyone love me? i have so much love to give...

please let me love someone."
-2015

---

"high school means nothing.
i mean nothing.
this whole world means nothing.
how could it be more than just some sick joke?

maybe somewhere there's freedom, for me.
freedom from depression.
freedom from my rapist's hold on me.
freedom from the pain of losing my best friend.

i think i've found part of that freedom,
in cutting. drugs. sex. alcohol. starving.

please let me die."
-2016

---

High school meant change.
And I can hardly recognize myself anymore.
Who the fuck am I, now?
Who will I become?

High school never meant freedom to me.
Not freedom from being vulnerable.
Nor freedom from being told what to do.
Not even freedom from being kicked --
no, stabbed --
when I was already down.

High school never gave me that freedom.
I gave me that freedom.

Please,
lets go be free now.
-2017

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Alright, quick breakdown to try and explain wtf you just read there lol. The years below each passage are the years I started each new level of high school. So obviously the first was freshman, the sophomore, so on. No, I didn't take five years to get through high school.
I decided to do another passage for 2017, the year I'm graduating as a senior. Just because I felt like I couldn't wrap this up with that second to last passage. So much has changed in each and every year of high school, and that's what I wanted to highlight in this poem.

I'm not 100% happy with this piece though, I feel it's kind of messy and unclear. I'll probably work on something else to demonstrate how I've changed throughout the years.
But please, any feedback is very appreciated.