[Everglow.]

I'm really sorry to hear about your grandmother's passing this week. Losing someone like a grandparent is always hard, but given that you've had other stress happening it must be a really difficult thing to deal with. I know the feeling of thinking someone will live forever. It's always really hard to cope with the realisation that this isn't the case.

I think it's important to let yourself smile and feel happy at times. Death is a really sad thing, but life has this way of just happening anyway. When I lost my nan a few years ago, I had moments like you where I felt such a mixture of sad emotions and it would hit me out of nowhere, but during other times I could almost imagine it hadn't just happened because I was laughing and making jokes like normal. As humans we have all these emotions and sometimes they don't compliment each other. Sometimes we're happy and sad at the same time, but feeling happy doesn't make your sadness any less real, just as being sad shouldn't make your happiness any less real. I'm sure your grandmother would want for you to feel happy at a positive outcome rather than denying yourself that feeling in order to feel sad. Feeling happy about something doesn't mean you don't miss her and mourn her, and it doesn't mean you aren't in pain at losing her. You are allowed to feel both things, and not feel guilty about it.

I hope you have a network of support around you right now. Try not to be alone. If you're struggling, reach out to the people who knew her like you did and lean on them. But please don't ever feel like you need to not feel happy or relieved about positive things right now.

If you ever want to talk, message me any time. I hope you're holding up okay.