[Rivière]

I feel that people want you to be alive because you're the sort of person they enjoy spending time with, and talking to. They enjoy your company and they wouldn't want you to go away. They wouldn't want to have to give that up.

You said that you feel forced to be alive because others want you to be, but think of the deeper feelings and emotions here. Why do you feel like you have to be? Is it because if you were to attempt/succeed at suicide, you couldn't go through with it knowing you're affecting how they feel? Is it because you feel that perhaps deep down, they're what helps to keep you tied to the world and although you're unhappy in it, they're what keep you going and you want to make them happy? Does making them happy make you happy, and therefore you don't try to harm yourself because it's the only joy you receive? Or perhaps it's something else?

You said that you ruined your chance at a good life. There are chances, and there are opportunities. Whatever it is that you've 'ruined' may likely be a missed opportunity. However, there are always more opportunities. You're only young. You'll be surprised how many opportunities you'll get to have to chance at a good life.

I imagine you'll have seen it before, but never forget that in the event you feel extremely low or feel like you may harm yourself, the list of hotlines are available to you.