[Ennui.]

I'm proud of you for not self harming in a while!

I don't think it's weird to miss the feeling of self harming. Self harm gets addictive because it releases endorphins and other chemicals and it is a temporary relief from whatever we are facing. Some people crave self harm even years after they have stopped self harming, but of course that doesn't mean they have to act on it.

I'm sorry to hear that you're not in the best space mentally right now. Have you seen our alternatives section, where it gives you alternatives based on what you're feeling at the time? One thing that has helped friends of mine is putting your wrist under some really cold water, almost jolting your system and regulating you again. I've also heard of physical grounding helping, such as by focusing on one item and really noticing the details of it. How does the item feel in your hand? What does it look like (shape, colors, etc)? Does it make any noise? Can you do anything with the object? There's also the 5, 4, 3, 2, 1 technique where you list 5 things you can see, 4 things you can feel, 3 things you can hear, 2 things you can smell, and 1 thing you can taste. There are other types of grounding activities that you can find on Google as well.

If you ever need to talk, feel free to PM me! Even if I don't answer right away I'll do my best to get back to you as soon as I can.