[Ennui.]

Hey,

I'm sorry to hear you are going through this!

I think your mom is under a lot of stress from starting a new job and that may be why she says some of these things. It still doesn't make it right that she says that she wishes she didn't have a family or doesn't love your sister though. That is still really hurtful. Of course you can't force her to do this, but it may help if she sees a therapist to sort through some of what she's feeling and learns to cope better and manage her emotions.

When talking to your mom and sister, maybe use DEAR MAN, GIVE FAST technique. I'll describe it:

• Describe the problem but state the facts only. For example, "I have noticed that you don't -x (such as do the chores, study, or in the case of your mom that some hurtful things are said)."
• Express how you feel using I statements. "I feel (Emotion) when (action/event happens).
• Assert what you want. Be specific. "I would like you to start doing the dishes/taking out the trash/whatever chore you need her to do/ before mom gets home."
• Reinforce it. "The household will be a lot tense if you would start doing (Activity).
  
• Be mindful of the signals and feelings the other person is giving off.
• Appear confident in what you're saying.
• Negotiate and compromise.
  
• Be gentle and don't judge.
• Act interested in what the other person is saying.
• Validate the feelings of the other person. It doesn't mean you have to agree.
• Have an easy manner.
  
• Be fair.
• Don't apologize for feeling/thinking the way you do.
• Stick to your values.
• Be truthful and stick to stating the facts instead of judgements.

This is a technique I learned in DBT therapy to be more successful at communicating your needs. It may help with talking to your sister and your mom.

Remember that if your sister still doesn't change, there's not much you can do. You can't control the actions of other people. Similarly, only your mom can control the reactions she has towards what you and your sister do. It may help if she finds better outlets for what she feels like writing, taking a walk, or doing art. You can only control what you do as well. Maybe set reminders to do chores and household activities at certain times so you can remember, but you sound like you're doing the best you can!

Best of luck!
Dez