Chapter 1
I was sitting on my bedroom floor, sobbing. I opened my chromebook to type up a note, when I saw an email. It was from my homeroom teacher, mrs. harris. I clicked on it.
Dear Alexis,
I know you’ve been struggling lately, I don’t know with what to be exactly, but i’ve seen the signs. The decline in grades, lack of focus, long sleeves, I suspect you’re not going to be partaking in school much for the rest of the year, but I just want you to know that you matter.
From,
Mrs. Harris
She’s wrong. I immediately thought. Am I that cynical? I immediately thought she was wrong. I ignored my thoughts and continued to open up a note document. I started writing all my reasons I felt I should go and starve myself.
The pros outweighed the cons by a longshot, my gut told me to do it, and they say your gut is our second brain.
Starving myself for happiness felt like a fair trade, but as I re-read Mrs. Harris’s email, I’m realizing I should probably talk to someone about this. NO. I’m not talking. I’m just going to do it.
I took a blade down my arm quickly and deepily and then closed my chromebook. The blood was pouring down my arm, but it was fine. I knew how to clean up. I grabbed my first aid kit and got to work. I wrapped my arm up, but the blood didn’t stop. Suddenly I felt lightheaded. I cried out for my mother. The silence of the night responded in silent echos of my mothers footsteps.
My mother came into the room and saw everything going on. “Oh my god what are you doing!?” My mother shouted. “I need help! This is not a time for lecturing!” I cried. “Put pressure, now, it’s not that deep,” My mother snapped, not moving from the doorway.
*FLASHFORWARD TO NEXT MORNING*
I woke up in the ICU, a breathing mask on my face, my boyfriend, Jake, in the room. I opened my eyes gently. I saw the IV in my arm, I looked around, my mother wasn’t there. “Babe?” I gasped. “Oh my gosh you’re awake! You scared me so bad…I called the school to let them know we’d both be out for a few days…you need time to recover, what happened?” Jake asked.
I explained to Jake the situation over the loud sound of the oxygen tank. I didn’t remember fainting. I saw the stitches in my arm and knew it was bad. I started to cry. “Oh my god…Mrs. Harris is going to be so concerned, last night she sent me an email saying how much she cared about me and how she knew I was struggling and I could always talk to her,” I cried. “Oh, you’re awake, Uh, theres a visitor…Lara Parker? Is it okay for her to come back?” The nurse asked Jake. Jake nodded. My mom was finally here???
The doctor came in and did a reevaluation.
The doctor took the oxygen mask off and the IV out. “Frick that hurts,” I grumbled. I sat up a bit in the bed. “Was this a self-inflicted cut?” the doctor asked. I swallowed hard. “Your mother didn’t give us any details, and if it was, we need to move you to the psych department, okay? Please don’t lie either,” The doctor explained. “It was,” I replied. The doctor nodded and left the room.
A few minutes later the doctor came back and started to unlock my bed. “You know I can walk, right?” I asked. “We can’t risk a fall hazard, we’re moving you to room 9, psych,” The doctor grumbled.
My mother and Jake followed us down to the psych unit. I was silently crying on my hospital bed. I wish I didn’t survive. I thought to myself. “I’ll be back for a psychitric evaluation in a few minutes, okay? You’re gonna be here for a while,” The doctor said and left the room. I put my head on my knees. My mother sat on the edge of the bed.
“Why?” My mother finally asked. “Why would you do something like this to me? Why would you tear your own mother apart like this!” My mother started to tear up. “No, this is not about you, this is about Alexis, she tried to take her own life, and you’re turning this on you, you are not the victim here, so shut up!” Jake shouted at my mother. I flinched at the yelling but Jake came over and hugged me.
My mother got up, silently, and left the room. I was thankful she left but then a nusre came in and sat on the edge of my bed. “Why did your mother say you threatened her?” The nurse asked. “What!? I never did! I didn’t even say two words to her,” I snapped. “I was the one who yelled at her, but I never made a threat,” Jake added. “Okay, thank you,” the nurse said and left. I started to cry harder. Jake took me into his arms again and sat down behind me.
The doctor came back in and started the psych evalutation. Asking me about previous traumas, depression, anxiety, eating habits, etc.
The doctor nodded while looking at the paper. “You’re gonna have to go inpatient honey,” The doctor said to me. “No…no…” I started to cry. “You’re at high risk of doing this again, we can’t have you out in a place where you get the temptations and have access to the things you hurt yourself with,” The doctor tried explain to me. “No! I don’t want to go! You can’t make me!” I cried. “Actually…you’re on an involentary police refferal, I can make you…” The doctor replied. I started crying harder.
The doctor left the room but Jake stayed, holding me. “You’ll be okay, I will visit you every night, I won’t tell anyone at school about this,” Jake reassured me.
Chapter 2:
I was in the ambulance, being transported to a mental hopsital called Institute of Living. I was scared. It was the middle of the night, I didn’t know what day it was, I barely knew my name at the moment. I was scared of being away from Mrs. Harris this long without her knowing what happened. I know she’ll know I”m in the hospital, but will the note be shown to her?...
“I have a question,” I stated, my first sentence the hole ambulance ride. “Ask away, Alexis,” The ASM person replied. “If I tell the truth about my mother, is there a chance it could get reported to CPS? Since I’m 16?” I asked. “Well, if you are being harmed, or were being harmed, mentally or physically, there is a chance CPS could get involved, Due to the fact the hospital is a mandatory reporter,” The ASM person explained.
I nodded in responce and went back to being silent. I started to scratch at the back of my hand, a stress habit, a self-harm habit. “Hey, what are you doing?” The ASM person asked, moving their computer from their lap. “Sorry- I- I didn’t mean too…” I stuttered. “You can’t just be scratching yourself!” The ASM person snapped.
A tear fell down my cheek from being yelled at.. Mrs. Harris never dealt with my self-harm like that.
*FLASHBACK*
I was sitting during a test, the stressful thoughts starting to spiral in my head. I started to pick at my scabs, causing them to bleed. “Hey, you okay? Do you need a tissue?” Mrs. Harris asked, looking down at me picking. “Oh..that’d be great?” I said with a careful tone. “Um..thanks,” I said once she got it for me. “Do you need to go talk to someone?” Mrs. Harris asked. I shook my head. “Are you sure? You seem like you’re struggling, you’re allowed to take a break,” Mrs. Harris reassured me.
I turned her down once more, continuing to pick in a more subtle manner this time. I looked down and saw my hand covered in blood. “Uh…Mrs. Harris…” I hesitated. “Can we talk in the hall for a moment?” I asked. Mrs.. Harris nodded and stood up. I followed her to the hall.
“I picked again..” I said right off the bat, my hand exposed from my sweatshirt sleeve. “Okay, use the tissue I gave you before while I grab another one, then we can go from there,” Mrs. Harrison replied gently.
*REALITY*
I came back from my zoned out mindset of remembering my first time self-harming during class. I was scared my mother was going to hand out my letters as if I died. As we pulled into the hospital, I took a deep, fearful, breath. I knew I was going to be here a while, the cut on my arm was itching relentlessly, and my stomach hurt.
As the ASM person took the stretcher out of the ambulance, it started to rain, mixing with the tears on my face. We went up the elevator and into the adolensent unit.
I saw a pretty woman, her nametag read her name was Sarah. She had flowing, straight, blonde hair in a bun. It said she was a mental health worker. Then a nurse came out, her nametag read Lily. She had short, light brown hair pulled into a short ponytail, and a masculine stature.
“Hey there, I’m Lily, I will be your admission nurse tonight,” Lily said to me. “H-hey…” I stuttered. “This is Alexis,” The ASM person said. I got unbuckled from the stretcher and hopped off. “Ready for body check?” Lily asked Sarah. Sarah nodded, following us into an examine room. “W-what does the body check intail?” I asked. “We just have you stand behind a curtain, take off your clothes one by one, and then look at your arms and legs for scars or cuts, okay?” Lily explained.
After the body check Lily requested that the doctor come up to the 3rd floor to give clearance to treat my arm. “Why are you here?” Lily asked. “Uhm…a suicide attempt,” I whispered. “I see, well you’re safe here, okay? If you need anything, Sarah and I are here all week, and some rotating staff will be on shift, okay?” Lily reassured me.
Chapter 3:
I got a tour of the unit, and finally got to see my room. It had a single bed, a bathroom, a closet, and a window. The bathroom was connected to my room, though it was a second room. I sat down on the edge of the bed, it was uncomfortable, but I could live with this.
“Thanks, Lily…” I softly said to her as she went to walk out of my room to let me change. I grabbed my regular clothes, the clean grippy socks, and went into my bathroom.
After I changed I had permission to go on the unit to ask any questions I had, or just to hang out with staff, since it was my first day. I went out onto the unit and looked around, down the hall, I saw a giant window with stickers around it, they looked like they were from inside out 1 and 2.
“Lookin’ down at those stickers huh?” Sarah said. I flinched and looked the direction she was walking from. “Sorry, didn’t mean to frighten you,” Sarah replied. “The names Sarah, I know I never properly introduced myself, you met Lily earlier,” Sarah added. “Alexis…” I replied. “Pretty name, mind if I ask your pronouns?” Sarah asked. “Oh, uh, They/Him, nobody ever asks…” I replied.
Sarah lead me out onto the milliue instead of the hall, I saw a name on a door I recognized, and the girl had been out of school for some time now. “Everyone can come out now,” Sarah shouted down the door. I glanced over at the door, and the girl, Summer, came out of the bedroom.
“Alex!?” Summer shouted. I smiled and laughed. “Sums! Yo!” I immediately got more comfortable after seeing Summer. “You know each other?” Sarah asked. I nodded. “She is my BEST friend,” I explained. Summer came over and hugged me. “No hugging,” Sarah snapped. “Sorry, but after not seeing my best friend for 2 weeks, I’m going to hug him,” Summer snapped, not letting go of me.
Summer finally let go and went over to her seat. “It’s visiting hours now, so we always watch a movie or have free time during this time,” Sarah explained. I looked out of the glass wall and saw my boyfriend signing in. Summer looked over and saw him too. “Omg Jake is here?!” Summer asked. “Isn’t he your boyfriend?” Summer followed up with. “Yes, He said since my mom said
sh wasn’t going to ever come see me, he would,” I explained as the glass doors opened due to a staff member and key. I ran over to him and hugged him. We went into my room.
“Did you know summer was here?” I asked. Jake shook his head. “You get your own bathroom? And bed? I was expected to a room with padded walls,” Jake chuckled.
I smiled and cuddeled onto his lap, wrapped my arms around his neck, and leaning into him. Jake wrapped his arms around me to losen up my posture. “There was this really pretty girl, Sarah, and nice girl, Lily, who did my admission, I envy to be like Sarah. She was skinny, her blonde hair into a bun, straight hair, really pretty…and Lily, boy was she masc, but it fit her, she was trying to crack jokes and she gave me a tour of the unit,” I explained.
(UNFINISHED)