[milo_o]

i don't want to go into every single detail here but i guess i just want to vent a bit and tell someone about what happened to me bc ppl can be rly cruel and i don't rly talk about it much so maybe this might help :c

TW:// I'm going to describe what happened to me

to put a long story short i've been sexually assaulted and molested a few times, one being an estranged family member who decided to put his hand into my undies and caress my genitals, and another time with a boy at school that's older than me and pulled my clothes off was physically hitting me and forced me to let him suck my dick and finger my butt without lubricant and it hurt a lot. both times were extremely horrible experiences and i rly hate how gross and violated i felt especially because my wishes for it to stop were totally and directly ignored, and there are a few more smaller examples and one bigger example that I honestly will keep private bc I don't think I'm ready to talk about it. i guess i was just an easy target, it just sucks rly badly.

the estranged family member is in prison now for unrelated charges, and the older boy moved out of Germany to another country that i'm unaware of. i don't plan on going to the police since i just simply want to block it out of my mind and forget it happened, but i just can't. i honestly have issues being around men because i'm afraid of being molested again, and even if i know them well i still feel that twinge of my fight or flight response kicking in. i don't know what i did to deserve this, it's something i've talked about with a therapist before and obviously with my boyfriend, but it's rly hard to physically speak about it in person bc i can barely get through a sentence.

i just dont know why they did those things to me, and i want to heal from it too because my current boyfriend and i have safe consensual sexual interactions with each other and it's great but i'm also in fight or flight mode a lot of the time and it rly sucks, it feels like i shouldn't have to be that way subconciously especially with him since i know i can trust him to respect me and my body. im just kinda ruined and it took a lot of the enjoyment i would have from sex and exploring my sexual feelings both by myself and with my boyfriend otherwise. It not only affects my sexual well being but it also makes my self harm worse. Half the time I cut it's because of PTSD from those events. does anyone have any advise and can anyone else relate :c