[milo_o]

So, on monday I have Vorsorgeuntersuchungen with my doctor (english translation is preventative examination) because I have had respiratory issues frequent sinus infections gut irritation nausea and have used an inhaler for years now, but was always diagnosed with asthma. However there is a history of cystic fibrosis in my family they want to check me up for that bc my symptoms have been getting worse and they haven't done a sweat test in a long time. I'm worried about getting diagnosed because if i get it then it's life threatening and I won't be able to play football which I've always wanted to do and my life expectency will be much lower than it would be otherwise my quality of life will be much lower since it gets worse over time and there is absolutely no cure for it. my relatives who had the disease never made it past 45 and that's rly scary.

All my doctors could do is treat the symptoms, so while it's not a terminal illness per se it can be pretty bad but i can live for a while or it could get worse and worse and i die young. i struggle with suicidality but for some reason the thought of dying young bc of a genetic disease really scares me, i don't want to die yet. i have so much i still want to do, i'm only 14 years old. i want to work as a nuclear reactor engineer and maybe eventually be a scientist to develop widespread clean sustainable nuclear energy solutions and maybe even contribute to fusion research. i still want to get married to a cute boy and have a nice house in bavaria and 3 cats and travel the world. i want to do so much and i'm just scared that i wont live long enough to do it all, my symptoms keep getting worse, and luckily it's not debilitating most of the time but sometimes it's just awful and i'm scared of that being my life now. if they discover that i have it then the fact is that my lifespan is immediately confirmed to be less than almost everyone else who's active in this forum and that is rly hard to think about.

it's ironic and i feel kind of guilty and cowardly for being as suicidal as i have been since now i might be getting what i want i'm terrified. i just don't know what to do if i get the diagnosis. idk if i'm just letting ocd and anxiety get me scared for no reason but based off what I know from my family and my own research i have to admit that i'm scared. i'm really scared.