[Ballsack]

I don't understand what's wrong with me. I know that to have it easy in life I need to experience some hardships first and that nothing's gonna start out great from the start, but everytime I face difficulties I just immediately give up. Or if I have to work harder I just choose an easier way out. It makes me feel really pathetic and everytime I try to discipline myself it never lasts long.

Anyways, this is something I have been subconsciously aware of but recent events forces me to pay attention to it. So I got accepted into a private college, a good college at that, and of course I was happy! But my parents still wanted me to continue learning from my after school tutor and try to take the test for other college.

I had a few thoughts in mind about this situation. The first one is that this private college needs my parents to pay first for the next few months before I could be considered a student there, but if I'm accepted to the other college and decided to choose the other college then the money won't be returned. It's not a small sum by any means so I worry that it would make my family struggle, especially since we're not well off.

The second is that I don't like to study, and for as far as I can remember I've never liked studying. So the fact that I have what is basically a golden ticket to stop studying and my parents still wants me to study felt really burdensome. I know it's both because my dad had already paid for my tutor and it would be money down the drain if I don't maximise my studies with my tutor, and the second reason is to polish my mind further so I won't be rusty once I got into college.

So this has been weighing a lot on my mind and I need someone to talk to so of course I talked to my friend about it. She didn't really give a response but it's nice to let it out. I'd like to say it to my parent's face but I feel burdensome as is so I don't want then to feel like I spat on their hard work, but spat on it I did because this morning I was so tired I decided to skip school and my mom who was angry at me for skipping school decided to check my messages with my friend and found the one where I'm complaining. She got really angry and told me things I already know, like how I'm not as smart as I think I am and I'm jealous of my friend that I vented to because she's smarter and richer and able to go abroad. She's not wrong but it doesn't make sense to me because if anyone is in my situation then they'd of course feel jealous.

Anyways, I knew from a long time that I can't live like this but change is really hard and my own need for change isn't so strong that I'd force myself to struggle. And that's what I lack, that struggle, that all consuming want that would force me to change.

I'm supposed to move out and live with my aunt once I got into college but that scuffle earlier made my mom change her mind. She said I'm too undisciplined and she wondered what I would do without anyone pushing me all the time. I'm not sure since I'd rather do nothing if not forced to.

All I'm saying is that I wish I know how to change, and I wish I want to change. I have dreams too, but since it's mostly vague I haven't really moved to chase it. I think it's because my dreams are mostly simple yet difficult as any other dreams. I want to move to Canada, maybe bring my little brother but definitely not bringing my parents, then I want to change my gender maybe do hormone therapy and get top surgery. I have no dreams for jobs and whatnot so I think that's why it's difficult for me to navigate my studies and eventually my work.