[Ballsack]

It's not really news that being trans is difficult tbh. I live in a county where LGBTQ+ people are very much oppressed, this is a fact I have been aware of from the moment I realised I'm trans, which was when I was around 8 years old give or take. So for most of my formative years I have been very stressed and anxious, two of my greatest fears are not being able to live as the person I truly am and also conversion therapy. Ever since I was 11 I've been trying to plan for a way to escape the country. My dad isn't really a prominent figure in my life, he's kinda abusive and mostly doesn't take things seriously, he's only good for financing my education and feeding me and I think that's enough. But my mother is very invested in my life, she doesn't want me to repeat her old mistakes and also wanted me to live an "easier life" even if it means burying down who I am. Now, I could sacrifice art, I could sacrifice my relationships, but I don't know if I can sacrifice myself. My big plan, ever since I was 11, was to move abroad, somewhere that is easier for a trans person to live so maybe somewhere like Canada or some Europe countries, and find a way to send money to my mom without her knowing where I am and who I've become. After researching, I think escaping the country will be easier as long as I could accumulate enough funds and connections to said country. However, the weight and fear of being found out has only grown over the years. I really thought I was slick, but my mom has lied to my face and told me that my ex friend and her father laughed about how I'm a lesbian (I'm not, though I'm bi) and she had also said to my face, I think twice, that she'd kill herself if I'm a lesbian. Of course I don't want her to kill herself, but I fear that she would take an more drastic measure and either force me to marry someone or jus straight up throw me into a conversion therapy. It feels like a ticking time bomb and I need to gather my resources quick if I want to survive, especially since I found how dependant I am to her. I wish I have someone to talk to, but I can't talk about this to anyone
What if they snitch about me behind my back? Cops are no good (obviously) and therapists would be the first one to send me to conversion therapy. Still, I've been trying to save for therapy except the therapist is specialised for queer patients which might be safer? I don't know man, it's just that after maybe 10 or so years of being under extreme stress it's starting to catch up and I don't think I can even survive long enough to be free. I know need to find at least a community of sorts with people that understands how I feel, but everytime I think of opening up to other people in real life I just get so scared. It's not good to show vulnerability especially if it can be used against you to harm your life forever.