[LiveLaughLove]

• its been a year, give or take a few days... but sometimes i still think about it. sometimes, its still hard. still though i'm self harm free.
• my sister is the most physically beautiful person ever, in my book [: sometimes it makes me feel like people are teasing me, when they say i look just like her. not that i find myself unattractive, just, not as pretty as my sis... she'll be like 'hey moonpie (Simone- i couldn't always pronounce it, lol), lets trade boobs' but i wanna be like 'hey engine (Jen) lets trade everything'... which is superbely lame.
• sometimes i get so angry with my brother... because i see parts of my 'old self' in him...
• i end up bruised and sore whenever my mom gets mad... and she has such a short temper.
• i was sexually abused by my father. we don't see him anymore, because he doesn't keep in touch anymore since the split... but nobody knows about the sexual abuse... he used to send me things from his substance abuse hospital... i think i still have some of it.
• i find myself longing for this ex of mine... and he lays it on pretty thick... sometimes its so easy to forget that someone's abusive... and god, that scares me. but i don't want that pain anymore.. emotional or physical... did i mention tha sometimes i feel insecure when he comes up to me and my friends (they don't know) and doesn't acknowledge me? its sick. and then i like it when he flirts with me and tells me sweet things... im scared im falling for his crap...
• i think i'll regret not reaching out to my dad, when he's gone. but i can't get over what happened... i'm afraid of him, and i've got this mild but steady anger/irritation thing going on when it comes to him... and it makes me sad, because i'm really not prone to getting angry at all... i'm really proud of how calm i am, and i feel that its...idk...tainting...
• when things get really bad, the only thing that helps me deal is my music. i don't know what i would do w/o my guitar, and it bugs me because i really try not to be materialistic... > . <
• i want to be an extraordinary girl... i want to be with an extraordinary boy.
• there's just one more thing i can think of... and i can't get myself to type it.