Thread: Anger/Self-Hate
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Foolchild Offline
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Anger/Self-Hate - July 3rd 2009, 09:34 PM

I'm a 15 year old British girl. My mum suffers from depression, and has done for a while and she has her ups and downs.. mainly downs. My sister has self harmed/self harms. I don't know if any of this has affected me but my guess is that it has.
I suffer from self hatred, I've suffered for a while now. Some days I think I'm okay and I think I look alright and am a good person. And then other days I come home and sit in my room in my room all evening and hate comes out. More often than not I end crying, a lot. I hate myself for who I am, what I am and what I look like. I think I'm hideous as a person and that I don't deserve to be alive. I don't want to give up though, I.. I know that I would never commit suicide. But I have self harmed before, :/. I just get sick of crying. Crying is probably a good thing, it lets out anger and self hate but .. I am just So Sick of hate. I want to feel good about myself, I want to beat my self hatred.
Part of my self-hatred is probably to do with a guy I have a pretty deep emotional attatchment to. And basically things never worked out and love as always been on and off. Now we've both moved on.. so it seems. I feel great guilt.. I feel as though I totally fucked him over. I don't even know if I actually did anymore. I feel so guilty for it anyway. I blame myself for everything to do with it. I now I have the nerve to think that I love him. I don't even know anymore, but whenever I think about it anger and self-hate just build up. I think I'm horrible and an absolutely disgusting person and tell myself that it's a wonder anyone even likes me.
I have a pretty average and unreligious life, loving family and friends. I feel so pathetic for feeling this way when I have a pretty desirable life. I am so sick of it. So sick.

I just want to feel good.
Can anyone help? Maybe someone who has cured this problem for themselves, I would really appreicate real people giving me advice
I've tried googling how to heal self-hatred but nothing seems direct enough.
Thanks.