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haleyad1 Offline
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I... - July 4th 2009, 06:51 AM

...honestly I don't know what to say. Life sucks. I wake up in the morning and I'm like, "Crap, I'm still here." Today is day 63 of my getting sober/clean and stopping SHing myself. And it sucks. More than anything I just want to get this all over with. Depression sucks. I feel like I'm going to be sick, this all sucks so badly. My head is spinning.

Now that I'm clean my head is clear enough to realize how alone I really am. None of my "Friends" from school give a shit about me. I'm nobody's best friend or favorite person. My friends from church I can't afford to lean on. They need me to be the strong, solid, motherly person in their lives. Just the other day I had my mom drive to my friend's house to pick her up in the middle of the night because she was upset that her mom admitted she was gay. Without me who knows what she would have done to herself.

My accountability buddy I'm terrified to talk to. I honestly don't think he gives a shit about me. He shouldn't be involved. He is the same age as I am. That is wayyyy to young to be involved in stuff like this. The guys that I talked to that actually are old enough to help me I'm also too scared to talk to. I promised them I would talk to my youth minister and i haven't yet. I know if they knew I hadn't talked to her yet they would call her AND my parents. My parents can't know about all this. They would force me to take medication, which is something I am absolutely against. I feel like if I take medication, I'm not solving the problem. I'm just shoving it out of the way temporarily. And I know I will talk to my youth minister eventually, its just the last time I went to church she wasn't there so I couldn't talk to her. This upcoming week I am working VBS for my parish, so I will most likely see her and ask if we could talk for a bit.

Right now I'm scared to even MAKE it to next week. I don't want to. Life sucks and I don't have anybody in it to help me. I'm scared. I'm tired. And I just don't want to do this anymore. What is the point? Everyone is leaning on ME to help them, which is ironic because I can't even help myself. I just don't see the point anymore. Why live when life sucks? You just wind up miserable. I'm tired of being miserable. I just want to be through with this all.

"This is your time to weep, This is your time to mourn, Not yet time to build up, Just a time to tear down old walls." -Between the Trees

"And I'll never second guess all the things that I have done. I've got too much to say, and too much to become." - Alex Gaskarth

Stop The Bleeding
Rescue Is Possible
Love Is The Movement
~To Write Love On Her Arms~
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