Thread: Triggering (Abuse): So scared!
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Name: Cookie
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Re: So scared! - July 7th 2009, 09:08 PM

Because cutting is how I cope, I want to be in pain as it numbs the memories and all I can think of is the pain. It stops my thoughts and releases my emotions. I realise it's just making things worse for me but i'm finding it so hard to stop. Although, I haven't cut for 5 days now, not much but ah well..
You have to find another way to cope--self-harm is not the answer. What I find works for me is writing all of my feelings out in my journal--that helps me get my thoughts out of my head and onto paper where they make more sense. It's actually very effective, for me. Maybe that's something you can try, instead, the next time you feel the urge to cut. It might work for you, too. If not, keep looking for an alternative (that does not involve self-harm!) that works for you. & 5 days without cutting is an incredible feat--keep up the good work, I know you're trying your hardest

No i'm not, I mentioned to my doctor but no i'm not getting treatment because I still look normal-ish size. So, I guess she thought I was making it up, even though I don't eat for about 4 days at a time.
What kind of unprofessional doctor...? That really infuriates me that you asked for help, and she didn't give it to you. Why would you lie about something like that? Honestly. --You need to ask for help again. Insist on it. Correct your doctor, and tell her that you are telling the truth, and as your doctor, she needs to give you appropriate treatment for anorexia.

I was told i'd miscarried.
...I see. I'm so sorry for your loss.

Nope, I told nobody anything for months, and even now people don't believe me because I "didn't say anything at the time"...I'm to scared to do anything officially.
I friend was raped by her girlfriend's ex-boyfriend when she was a little younger than you (11 yrs), and didn't take legal action, either. She had an abortion, and it was a difficult time for her, but she had her classmates' support, and pulled through okay. It's okay if you don't want to take legal action against them, but if you do, don't be afraid to--even if no one believes you, you know the truth, and they know the truth. That's the only way to have "justice", but if justice isn't what you need, then you don't have to take legal action against them if you don't want to.

I let them win when it happened.
I'm not strong because I haven't gotten through this.
That isn't necessarily true, & I think you want to beat this. I think you want to fight this with all of your being. And strength isn't about beating something with ease. Strength is about persistence, perseverance, and seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. If you stay strong, then you win. --They don't win. They, by no means, "win". The men that did that to you are sick, disgusting pedophiles. People like that never win, because they're never satisfied.

I think it's there somewhere, I just don't know it.
I think so, too. Don't write your future off--you're facing the worst of it, right now, you know--it will get better in time. If you overcome the anorexia, if you stop cutting yourself, if you can live with your miscarriage, and being raped, then you're in the clear. You have to stop thinking long-term when it comes to this--you think you aren't strong because you haven't gotten through this yet, but just look at what you've already accomplished--you've gone 5 days without cutting. That's a fantastic first step. Think about what you can do, right now, to improve your future (and you do have one, just like the rest of us). Everyone deserves happiness, and everyone is capable of achieving happiness. You just have to take it a day at a time--every day that you fight off your anorexia & your urges to cut, every day that you get closer to accepting (and thinking less and less about) what those horrible men did to you & your miscarriage, is another step towards your goal of peace, and prosperity. Do something nice with family & friends each day, see a counselor, try something new (take up a sport, or a musical instrument. find a passion--it will make it so much easier to cope with everything, trust me). Smile and laugh more. You'll begin to notice your progress in time.