Thread: Triggering (Suicide): I feel like I don't have a choice...
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Diamond Offline
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I feel like I don't have a choice... - August 2nd 2009, 12:13 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Hello,

I'm new to the forum so 'hello,' I guess.
I'm here because I don't want to phone any hot lines, nor talk to anyone I know.

Basically, I'm in a really bad situation and feel like I can't face the consequences; I suppose it's 'cowardly' but I've grown beyond caring now.

For a while now, I've been terrified and am counting down the days until I get caught.

I have a problem, when I'm depressed or stressed, I tend to spend money, I will go on the internet and buy things. Fair enough if it's with my money, but for the past few months, I've been using my brother's bank account.

It's gotten to the stage when I've almost drained his account completely, all on crap that keeps me content for a day or two. I feel like I've completely betrayed my brother, as I did a similar thing (not to this extent) a few years ago when I was more immature, I obviously didn't learn from my mistakes. I've betrayed my parents, from hiding my problem and of course, what I've done.

I've completely and utterly manipulated my whole family. They don't really see the 'real' me, to them, I'm happy, but inside I'm very far off it. I've had a really rough year, and could probably have gone and 'faced the music' so to speak. However, due to deeper depression, I feel like I can't.

I believe that the only things I can really do are running away, and suicide. I'm scared of both the options, but I'm more scared of what will happen if I don't. Running away is problematic, when kids 'disappear' you know what happens, I'll be found in less than a day. Suicide, is more methodical for my purpose; it means that I won't need to see my parents, or brother again and therefore, make their lives better and easier.

I don't really know why I'm writing this anyway, I know it's because I have doubts. Perhaps, I need advice as I haven't been able to ask anyone else?

I don't know.

Please help.