[kingsprincess724]

I don't really know how to start this out honestly. I guess at the beginning, hopefully I don't bore you because I really could use some help. I was sexually abused my a cousin who was also my best friend my seventh and eighth grade years, it was a continuing thing and I lived in silence for two years before I broke my silence and told my teacher about it. We went through all the legal proceedings and nothing came of it. It put me and my family through a tremendous amount of stress and I swore I would never go through that again.

I am now a senior in high school and over the summer I became friends with my radio shack salesmen. He was 21 and I don't know why but I was drawn to him, he wasn't even that attractive, but he was a smooth talker. I did not date him I got involved with someone else who is actually even older than that and I am still with this person now. Anyway my salesman didn't give up. A few months later I got a job in the same mall at a fast food place and he came by one day and saw that I was working. I got really nervous when he came in and I knew my "crush" hadn't gone away. He asked for my number and I gave it to him and we became friends. A couple weeks later I somehow stupidly convinced myself I would rather be with this guy than my boyfriend so I tried to break it off. My boyfriend knew of let's call him Jack and could tell something wasn't right from the start. After talking for several hours about it, he convinced me to stay with him and throw Jack to the curb. (Understand this was not in a controlling way, he believed that I did not really want to do this and that Jack was somehow manipulating me, he still tells me today if I find someone younger I want to be with over him then okay he will let me go).

After that conversation I told my boyfriend I had set up a lunch with Jack at a time that we both had breaks in between my double shift and I was going to tell him then that we could not be anything more than friends. My boyfriend was okay with that. Well Jack and I decided to go to the Mcdonald's down the street from our mall and we took his car. On the way there he took my hand and i thought no big deal i will let him have a tiny bit of happiness before i destroy his heart. Then he tried to put his hand on my leg and i kept trying to move it. When we got out he put his arm around my waist and I tried to move away obviously uncomfortable but he wouldn't let me. I barely ate and i told him i was staying with my boyfriend and we could just be friends. This to him was a challenge and he told me he wouldn't take that and he was going to fight for me. I shrugged it off knowing it was his ego.

I realize now I should have never gotten back in the car with him, i should have called my manager and had him come get me but i didn't. when we got back to the mall he started to kiss me i pulled away, got out and started walking towards the mall he grabbed and started kissing me and put his hand up under my shirt and started feeling my breasts I told him to stop and tried to pull away or kick him and he had too strong a hold of me. Then he put my hand on his penis and told me to meet him there after work. I just stood there in complete disbelief of what i had just happened and walked back through the mall in a haze. At that time the thought of telling anyone did not even occur to me despite what had happened to me when i was younger. I was too shook up too surprised to everything to think logically. I told my boyfriend that night and he was mad, he didn't understand why i didn't tell the police or why i didn't tell him when i called him right after. there was no way to explain it, he told me he wanted me to have nothing to do with Jack and to stay away from him. That was my intent.

For several months i did just that, but he was never out of my mind. I hated him I couldn't believe what he had done but something drew me to him and i started to talk to him again. i told my boyfriend and he was very unhappy about it, i came up with some excuse when really i had no idea why i was talking to him, i didn't really want to i just felt i had to i went crazy if i went more than a couple hours of not talking to him. it was like i was in a trance and couldn't break free. i am a very soft person and i have a passion for helping people. Jack figured this out early and took full advantage of it. I see now that this is how I got sucked into his trance i was afraid to hurt him, i am afraid to hurt anyone.

In January he struck again. I was in class at my college and he texted me and told me he was really upset and wanted to know if i would sit in his car and talk to him. The girl he was supposedly trying to date was having a lot of health problems that he had been talking to me about and i felt really sorry for him so i agreed even though my better judgement was telling me not to. In his car he preceeded to once again force himself on me. I told him no but he continued anyway. The tight quarters that we were in it was hard to get away i really didn't have a choice but to take it. He did not get a chance to rape me, he rubbed his penis on the outside of my vagina and tried to go in but i managed to stop him. After that I got out and went back to my car and locked the doors. i called my boyfriend but couldn't tell him. When i finally did tell him three weeks later i almost lost him over it.

this guy is no longer in my life by choice he has been blocked in every way of electronically contacting me that is possible. he has showed up to my work before when i have not been there asking for me and trying to get my manager to give him my hours but that is all i have heard from him. His ex who i have lightly confided in had to move across the country to get away from. he is tormenting another girl at my work as well. None of the girls at my work feel safe to walk out at night anymore because we are all afraid of him.

There is no one that knows what really happened like i just typed here. i cannot confide in my boyfriend because it is a closed subject between us that causes too many problems. i could probably tell his ex but i don't want to trigger anything in her that he has done in the past. Having it happen three times has caused so much shame I cannot tell my parents again they are recently separated and things are bad enough as we are dealing with the divorce. i have a therapist but since i am underage i am afraid he will tell my mom. this has just recently really started bothering me and mainly at night. in the past i dealt with my abuse through cutting and anorexia i do not want to do that this time. i don't know what to do if i tell everyone is going to wander why i didn't report it either time seeing as it has happened to me before and i should know better, no one is going to understand the shame and the pain because the people i know has only been abused once and they were all younger.

i just want to deal with this and move on with my life. it is too late to report anything, what can i do?