Hi. Okay, my name's Shy and I really want this story to be taken seriously. I'm realizing that I may have a problem, and I don't want to be made fun of for it. I know I should expect truth on this forum and I do expect it, but I only want to be taken seriously.
Alright. I'm Shy, I'm 19 and from California. When I was 12, in seventh grade, My best friend Jane* and I were totally normal pre-teens. We talked on the phone every single night, etc, etc. During one of these long nights, I forget the details, but we used to have "pretend" conversations with boys we liked. Like we'd put ourselves into scenarios and help prepare each other for the real thing. We'd use male voices, male personalities, Eventually we created for ourselves, or own male identities. We went outside of just the two of us, sometimes crank called our classmates with the identities. She was Tony, and I became Shawn. Sometimes we'd have conversations just as Tony and Shawn. For hours. Sometimes I'd have conversations with Tony, Jane would have conversations with Shawn. Sometimes it's be a group of four, just talking, like no biggie. It was easy, we were just...good at it. Things continued to develop from that, We created them, myspaces, facebooks. Also, an online journal that both Shawn and Tony wrote in every day. Not to mention commented on each other's entries, including my own and Jane's, just as we, Jane and Myself, commented on theirs. Any third person would have no idea we were only two 12-14 year old girls.
As Junior High/High School went on, Life got a lot harder. Boyfriends and friends came and went, sex, alcohol, homelessness, drugs, anything and everything with us combined. So the talks with Shawn and Tony became deeper, the journal entries were less of a joke. When I was 15, in tenth grade, Jane dropped out of the high school. Just because of the forces that be, we spoke less and less with each other. Never stopping completely, but weeks and months would pass without us speaking. I didn't really have anyone to talk to anymore, So much going on all the time, It was hard to handle. We had mutual friends, but no one knew her like I did...No one except for Shawn. This is when Shawn really stopped being a pass time for me and Jane to joke with and became a friend. I created...in my head, and I think I have a hand written journal with his biography. Every detail about him I have in my head, anything you or I can question about ourselves, I don't have to think about to have an answer about Shawn. He really became my best friend. I had a time from ages 13-17 where I was a self mutilator. I was a cutter, bulimic and generally self loathing. Times when I was at my lowest, Shawn was there telling me I'd get through it, Times where I really didn't believe it, Not one bit.
Not long after my mother was diagnosed with Bi-Polar disorder, I began seeing a therapist for some custody issues. I'd later also be declared bi-polar as well, But I'm unsure if that is relevant. Sometimes when I would talk to my therapist, we would reach an issue that scared me. I also have a history of pretty intense panic attacks. Not wanting my therapist to be concerned (I really didn't want to live with my dad) about my "home life", I didn't want to have an attack in front of her. At these times...Shawn would appear. It was past the point of him telling me to suck it up and it'd be fine. I would now go into "Shawn Mode", I could...and can, stop being Shy for a little while. My voice needn't change, but I answered as Shawn, who is protective of me, So it lead to me being defensive, smarter sometimes, I tend to have wittier comments as Shawn. It wasn't just inside my shrink's office that this happened. After I had stopped cutting myself, my panic attacks became more frequent, but after discovering this little trick, they also died down. At home, alone in my room. I'd be Shawn. I'd even sometimes, put my hair up, take off my makeup and just lose myself in him. I've had classmates stop me and ask me who I am talking to, only to secretly realize that I am talking aloud to Shawn, sometimes even having small arguments. I think...some of my freakiest moments are when I'm Shawn, I find myself attracted to girls. Bad. Now, I feel like I'm as straight as they come, I'm actually in a 4 year relationship with a guy. I can't see myself with a girl, they're manipulative and mean lol, okay, that's a generalization but, hey, I'm one of them. Well...sometimes. But when I'm Shawn, it's like I just forget that, I see a girl, and I sometimes feel the urge to go up to her and flirt with her, as Shawn.Sometimes, over the web, I do.
So it's seven years after Shawn's creation and he's still here. He's still with me, I mean...like RIGHT NOW. It's like sometimes I can feel HIS blood pulsing in my veins. I can't describe it, just sometimes I KNOW that I'm not me, I'm just NOT. Some of my friends and my boyfriend know about Shawn. Of course it's all a joke to them. It's not their fault either, I make it seem like it IS a big joke. They don't know that I sometimes don't...control these "Shawn Modes" and they don't know I still pour out in Shawn's journal, I put all the entries past 2005, and all the entries that aren't funny on private. They don't realize that there is a reason my handwriting dramatically changes randomly. I sometimes wish I could contact Jane and see if Tony still hangs around her...I've barely spoken to her in two years now, she has a child and more important things going on, and it makes me feel like I'm crazy to think she's spend any time on a middle school creation.
I don't know what sort of advice I'm looking for in this. I guess my questions are...Is it all just a severe delusion? Do I need to just get over myself and quit self-obsessing? I understand that Shawn is fictional, I KNOW this. But when I think about that fact, it's irrelevant, It's not what I think. It's how I feel. I feel him. Is this just all my fault? I don't...I don't feel like I need professional help. Shawn has never, ever hurt me, He's only helped me. Helped me get passed all my...issues. Told me to stop, stood up for me, taken care of me. How could that be a bad thing? Is Shawn just my own personal therapist? Is it okay for him to be around? Because...I can't imagine being me without him. I wouldn't be. That's plain and simple, no way. I really love him, more than I love myself. But...sometimes I feel like he's gone too far. I really don't know where I am on this, I know I'm ready to tell...at least the cyber world, what's really going on. Please tell me your thoughts on this, I need to know someone else's perspective on all of this. Thank you.
