[ToyBox]

I'm feeling so low, I've not left my house in 4 days now, skipping school to lie in my room chain smoking and doing art...

I hate going to school or even walking down the street, it send shivers and great panic into me when people look at me, I've always had this. I fear I'm going insane. I talk to myself I have always done so, but it's getting increasingly bad as now it breeching into public eye when I'm walking or I think its happening. I already go to adolescent phsycologist but I don't want to talk to her as she tells my parents bout me which I hate. I don't trust my parents, they laugh at me or did when i was little now they are divorced. Like my Gran beat me this one time and I came running to them crying and the laughed. I told my brother about these things but I regret it as dont trust him aswell. I can't seem to function around people, on the capacity they do. I'm totally incable of having a normal conversation with people. When I'm around people I go auto pilot I have no control what I'm going to say. But if i think about it I stare into the distance and don't respond until the conversations over, and of course I look like a case head.

I can't study, for my exams I just can't I'm to pre-occupied by my thoughts of insanity and lingering depression, i just feel like I'm not ready for the world. I'm supposed to be going to university but in one of the interviews I said nothing I just sat and went yeah its great to every answer. I want to go but can't I feel limited by myself. Even suicide has clouded my mind, allthough seriously considering it, I dont think I could, too much to see. But I feel fragmented and confused about where I'm going in life because thi is the tipping point where I'm at. I have to choose a road but I can't. I'm going to plow into the intersection wall, because I'm too busy thinking about things. I feel I'm typing this too get it out of my system a bit allthough it's just re-affirming it grip on me, and reminding me of things in the past. I can't seem to move on, allthough I accept the things that happened is there some intermediate stage to feeeling balanced emotionally? I feel I need to discuss this, with anyone apart from myself.