March 8th 2010, 11:12 AM
I wasn't sure, so I labeled it triggering. I don't really know why I'm doing this, since I don't think there's much anyone on here can say. I know all the risks, I've had the 'why you shouldn't do it' talks, I've heard all the 'but doesn't it feel so good to know how long you've gone' and 'you don't want to break your promise' speeches and quite frankly, I just don't care. It's been three years since I started, I've "stopped" multiple times. I went 9 months only slipping up twice. Then the third turned into a fourth last night. Really, I just don't care about it. Even in the hot weather, it's not hard to hide. I'm really not that worried about people finding out, it's just...part of me. I don't go deep enough to cause much damage other than some scars.
I know I should feel worse about it, talking to Becca and a girl from school yesterday. The girl from school, we facebook chatted last night. She won't tell anyone, I'm sure of that. But she said I need to stop, because someone very close to her was really bad with it and really hurt her in the process (I think she found her once?) she said it scares the shit out of everyone.
I have art with her first period, so my guess is she's going to wanna go to the back room and talk.
I just feel so...neutral with the whole thing. I don't think I should be doing it, but I don't feel like I need to stop. For some reason, it just feels right.
"'Colie, you should never be surprised when people treat you with respect. You should expect it.'
I shook my head. 'You don't know--' I began. But, as usual, she didn't let me finish.
'Yes,' she said simply, 'I do know. I've watched you, Colie. You walk around like a dog waiting to be kicked. And when someone does, you pout and cry like you didn't deserve it.'
'No one deserves to be kicked,' I said.
'I disagree,' she said flatly. 'You do if you don't think you're worth any better...'"