[~CourageousSurvivor~]

Hey there,

I know how you feel and for a long time I felt that way. For years my ED had a control over me and I did not know how to pull myself out. There was a horrible cycle that I was stuck in and I could not get out.

It got really bad in 2007 and that was when I knew I needed help. However it seemed like no one noticed my struggle with food/eating because of my appearance and that fact made me think I didn't really need help. So instead of telling people I shut down and the cycle continued and I learned new things. I started purging and what not. I still didn't think I needed the help and it continued. I fell into a deep sense of self hatred. Well, just recently I sought out treatment and it did help. The place I went to was not the right place for me but it still did help. I am doing better. I do relapse occasionally but relapses happen.

The thing is, sometimes we all need a little help. It can be hard to do and sometimes we feel like we do not need it but I promise there is nothing wrong with asking for help. And, when you do it you might feel stronger just because of the fact you can look back and say "I knew I needed help and I asked for it. I did not let the ED control me!" That always feels good.

As for why you cannot just stop. Well, that is a complex question but from experience what I can say is that as time goes by your ED gains more and more control over your life. It preys on the fact that you think you are in control and from there you slowly start to lose control. By the time you realize you do not have control it is 'too late' and the ED has taken over. So when you go into the stage of wanting to stop it it is really hard to do because of all the control the ED has. But, the ED can be beat. You can beat it. I promise. Open up and ask for help because beating the ED is going to be worth it.

Now, please hang in there and if you need anything do not hesitate to pm me.

Jenna