Quote:
Originally Posted by .KillCasino.
Sick. That's what you are. You're sick of me. Sick of my moaning. Sick of my stupid attempts. Sick of me being around. Just sick...of me. So I spent most of the day at the hospital today. My brother and I made a pact last night, only he seemed to be much better at it than I. I got scared, I couldn't let him die so I called an ambulance, only he told them about me also. I got discharged at like noon, seeing as I failed yet again, but he's still in. I can't stop crying. I'm scared im going to lose him and then that's going to be my fault, because everything is my fault. It hurts, it hurts so much...
Everyone hates me now. Faith, Elliot, Jake...I could go on...last night, well, I had this stupid idea that if I got them all to hate me, then it'd make leaving much easier. So I was pretty mean to everyone...I didn't mean what I said, it killed me but I had to do it, because I needed them to say that they hated me...
My mind works in weird ways, okay?
So yeah, I now have to see a psychiatrist/councellor person whoever...and I don't want to but it seems i'm being forced into it. I've been given some leafets about suicide and dealing with it from the hospital. They said next time I felt down I should call the Samaritans. Thing is, I wouldn't dare because one of my friends works on the phones and if she answered my call...well...yeah...
I'm sick. I'm sick of my moaning but I'm breaking down. I can't take anymore, and no one understands  |
If any of us were sick of you we could easily just go away and not reply to your posts. As long as we're still answering, you have no reason to believe you're "too much" for us or something.
You have a brother who is in this with you. So already you're not alone. You've got us too. Your family would be devastated if they lost you, and if they lost you AND your brother. You say you couldn't let him die, I bet he feels the same way toward you. I bet your whole family would have done the same thing and called an ambulance for you. They don't want to lose you. They don't want you to give up.
I don't think anyone hates you, but it's not really crazy or "weird" that you decided to try and make them angry. Lots of people do it. If everyone you love hates you, then you can feel justified to leave. You think you can let go easier. But at the last second, you regret it. You want them to love you, want them to save you, want them to think about how sad they would be if you were gone. I know, because I did it before. I made all my friends mad at me, to the point where they didn't want to talk to me anymore. Then I told them I was going to kill myself, and I refused to answer them when they called. I was about to do it when my best friend called me once again, and something inside me forced me to answer. I realized then that all I really wanted was to see how much they cared. See who would call, who would try to save me. If I had gone through with it, I would have been killing myself for nothing, it's not even what I really wanted.
If you want to cry and "moan" then don't feel bad about it. There will come a point where you realize you don't want to anymore, and that you want to do something about it. Don't feel like your feelings today will last forever. Everyone's mind works in weird ways. We do everything because somewhere deep inside we want to achieve some feeling we get from it. So just because you have the thought that you should die doesn't mean that's actually what you want. There are other ways to satisfy what you really want deep down. The insanely hard part is finding out what it is you really want.
Right now, I want to feel depressed. I'm miserable, and anxious, and nervous. I keep trying to think of ways to fix it, and I know so many ways. But I keep coming up with excuses. Because, for some reason, being miserable is what I want right now. It's probably going to take me a long time to figure out why, and change things, but I know that if I keep trying I eventually will. It's happened before and it will happen again. The same goes for you, and everyone else. Don't give up because you've been conditioned to believe that what you're feeling is wrong. It's a natural part of life, and no matter how bad things may seem or how long it's seemed to go this way, it's not the only part of life.
I know it's not very helpful, sorry. I just don't want people to think that they need to die when they're feeling bad. If everyone thought that, everyone would be dead.