[dzzi]

I'm new here but I have an issue that's been pressing on my mind and I need to let it out somewhere anonymous and understanding. Hope I came to the right place. If you tell me I should stop talking to him, you are of no help to me because I refuse. It's simply not an option.

Anyway, let's set the context here:

I'm a 17 year old with intellect, talent, and anxiety issues. He's a 25 year old with wit, talent, and a tendency to live in the moment. We met because he was the assistant director in an after-school activity of mine. We gradually became good friends and after 4 or 5 months he took a bold step and told me he had a crush on me and my world got turned upside down. Of course we didn't stop talking. We click so well and we make each other happy. Things got more serious in our conversations and we started meeting up to hang out and chat. It's all real classy though. We made each other mix CDs with love songs and he'd buy me tea and we'd just chat like romantic friends in every sense. I realized I was in love a few months after we confessed to each other and I think he realized the same thing not long after. Of course I began to inquire about his wife. Things got more and more real the more we met up and talked. She and my parents became suspicious. She would do things like argue and take his phone and tell him to stop talking to me. My parents caught me meeting with him without their permission but let it go cause we've had a lot of home issues this year and I need a good friend. For chrissake, he's talked me out of multiple panic attacks.

It all sounds really dodgy but it's not that much. I'm not naive like most people my age. People tell me all the time that I'm wise for my age and in general. Although I think anxiously, my actions are rational as long as I'm not mid-panic attack. He's not some random creepster. I know him well and trust him.

Anyway, back to the situation. Wife's been distant and bitchy. (and she cheated on him half a year into their marriage. At least he's being honest with her about me.) He said he feels stuck (between me and her). She'd been out of state for 2 months before a trip I had with the group he was directing. This trip started about 2 weeks ago and lasted for 8 days. The supervisors there started to notice things about us too. We hadn't done anything physical up to that point but a few nights into it we kissed. Made out even. Three nights in a row, and we had to stop or he would've been caught and fired. So we did.

He promised me that after the trip he'd remain my friend at least and said that he wanted to remain a good part of my life for many years. His wife got back in town a few days ago. He's admitted that he married too young. He had a talk with her and we just don't know. We're friends and in 5 months I'll be 18 and we both know that things will change then. How, we don't know. I'm a very anxious person and I just need advice on how to cope with this for 5 more months. A little part of me dies every time he mentions his wife or the fact that he's married and I know that he's been swaying toward me for quite some time but it's just so gut-wrenching to have to deal with. I suppose it would be good to mention that the two of them don't live together, or at least not much. She's out of town a lot and he has a roommate or two. Also to mention, he's going to grad school the same year I'm going to college. We're good at wishful thinking and it might lead somewhere but I just need to be stable for these next 5 unsure months. Any help on coping with the situation and the "waiting" time would be highly appreciated. I panic too much and I want to be relatively happy amidst all this. Sorry I seem to have written a novel haha.