Thread: Triggering: I'm struggling at the moment.
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Name: Hannah
Age: 30
Gender: Female
Location: England

Posts: 37
Join Date: June 23rd 2010

I'm struggling at the moment. - July 8th 2010, 11:14 PM

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Hey.. I feel kind of bad for posting, I joined more because I wanted to help out, but I'm having a pretty rough time just at the moment and could use some help and support.

Things have been so awful for the past year or so, I've been very low and ended up having to take time out of uni, go back home to my parents. I ended up being very suicidal and terrified all the time and unable to cope with the thoughts I was having. I spent a couple of months in hospital which was horrible but it did help, I got the right medication, and things have been a lot better since I got out (a couple of months, now) I have been coping, and so on, had some pretty happy times actually.

Just at the moment, I'm really finding things hard. I don't want to end up back where I was, I don't think I could cope with going through that again, not so soon. I'm trying very hard to do all the things that I know I should; go to the gym, get out of the house, have a healthy routine, and so on. It's just such an effort at the moment, I feel like I'm being crushed by unhappiness, I literally have no energy, even doing the simplest things leaves me completely drained. I just want to cry and crawl into bed and never come out.

It's been quite a while since I self-harmed, maybe 10 weeks or so, and I know, I absolutely know, that it isn't going to help, but I am really finding it hard not to hurt myself. I think about it all the time, it's very intense. I know about distractions and alternatives, but it isn't making much of a difference just now because my thoughts are screaming and screaming that I have to do it, that I haven't hurt myself badly enough yet and I have to do much worse, until there's no room left for anything else in my head, and I can't get it to shut up.

I have a problem with overeating when I'm low, and I just can't seem to control myself. I'm putting on more and more weight which, of course, is only making me more unhappy.

I don't feel suicidal, I know that I have a lot to look forward to and I do want to live, but the thoughts are there again - "you should die / i want to die [even though I KNOW I don't]" and I know it's not long from there to actually feeling suicidal; before, it was incredibly difficult not to act on these feelings, to the point that I literally HAD to be kept safe by other people, and it was all so intense that I felt like the thoughts weren't even mine and were being put in my head. I'm so scared, terrified, of going back to that, but I don't really know what I can do at the moment to avoid slipping backwards.

I don't feel like there's anything that mental health services etc can do for me at the moment. Saying over and over how rubbish I feel isn't going to make a difference. I agreed to call in if I feel unsafe but I don't know that I can, I find it so incredibly difficult to do that. I get scared, and I'm pretty anxious and on edge a lot of the time at the moment, anyway, so it seems a bit unthinkable. I stopped seeing my therapist when I was really 'happy' / on top of the world a couple of weeks ago and thought everything would be fine forever, which I regret now but for a variety of reasons going back isn't an option. I do have a review with "my" psych (I've only met her once before for a mental health act assessment) next week and I will be honest etc and hopefully someway, somehow, that will make a difference. It's just a case of finding some way to cope.

I'm just tired, I feel like I'm going round and round in circles.

Sorry, this has ended up being really long.