Thread: Triggering (Suicide): Why - Why Not?
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LostInsideofMe Offline
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Name: Britta
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: State of Delusion

Posts: 22
Join Date: July 14th 2010

Lightbulb Why - Why Not? - July 16th 2010, 06:37 AM

This thread has been labeled as triggering, particularly on the subject of suicide, by the original poster or by a Moderator. The contents of this thread therefore might not be suitable for certain sensitive users. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Background (may be helpful?)

Ok so here it is. I'm 16 and I've been dealing with this for 3 years. In the last 3 years I've dealt with my brother's bipolar getting more and more out of control (screaming, breaking things, hurting animals, drugs, etc.) so much that he was hospitalized and then sent away to AZ to live with his dad. Also, the man that helped raise me relapsed into alcoholism. The last time I saw him he broke into the house and yelled at me that he was NOT my father. I got into cutting and major depression and was hospitalized. Then we moved to another state. Everyone else knew about it for months except me. 2 weeks prior. Three days after we got there, we got a phone call saying that my brother (as above mentioned) committed suicide. After that I got into more trouble (cutting, etc.) and my mom told me I had to move in with my biological father (never met) on the other side of the country. My depression worsened and I tried to get them to help. They didnt and were very abusive in many ways. I took it upon myself and went to a hospital. After that they put me in a residential treatment center for 3 months where i was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.I was released because of insurance/financial issues. My dad didnt want me back so i moved in with my aunt/uncle. My symptoms have got worse over those three years no matter how much treatment help i get.

Problem

I've been out of treatment for a while now. My BPD is kicking my butt and its effecting my life. I feel like I've lost my mind. I feel insane. Not in the obvious way though. No one knows whats going on inside me and its too hard to explain it all. I've been doing self-destructive things knowing full well it will make me miserable and closer to killing myself. I broke up with my gf even. i can't get things in my head straightened out no matter how hard I or someone else tries. I'm so messed up in the brain and I know that but I continue anyway. I don't have resources to get anymore help. But my "self-destructive" behaviors are ones that hurt others and by that hurting me because that's the thing that always gets to me - hurting others by my actions.

Sorry this is such a novel. =/

So the final point is if I kill myself they will hurt some, yes, but their lives go on. Their lives are on halt because of me. I know how it feels to lose someone to suicide - life does indeed go on. I don't even feel scared anymore about killing myself. I have a way figured out and everything is ready. Im allergic to amoxicillin i will go into severe anaphalaxis and die within minutes. I have a whole bottle. Im here writing this now because I sencond-guess my motives.

Any help?