[ForeverAutumn*]

Hey Rebecca,

I used to do those things, too.. long showers twice a day, always washing my clothes, I did everything I could to make the dirty feeling go away, but I still never felt clean. It took a long time for me to stop feeling that way, because during that time I wasn't talking about the abuse or dealing with it, I pushed it to the back of my head and tried to forget. Maybe that's why you're feeling this way.. because you haven't fully come to terms with what happened, because you're not coping with it and so on. Whatever the reason though, I want you to know that you're not alone in feeling this way, and it's not an uncommon reaction to abuse. It's perfectly okay.

I definitely recommend talking to your mom about why you act the way you do. It's understandable if she gets upset and frustrated sometimes, if she doesn't know why you do these things. Telling someone about abuse is hard! It's really, really hard and I know talking to your mom about this might not be at the top of your fun-things-to-do list. But the sooner you talk to her, the sooner she'll understand the why behind your actions, and the more she'll try to help you with this.

If you aren't currently seeing someone already, then that's something else I suggest - counseling can be such a huge help in healing from abuse. Talking things through, letting out what you're thinking and feeling, can make you feel so much better because then it's not bottled up, you know? I think, as you come to terms with the abuse and advance in the healing process, the dirty feeling will start to fade.. it might still be there, but it won't be as strong.

Hang in there! And take really good care of yourself, let me know if you need anything.