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Name: Jen
Age: 26
Gender: Female
Location: England

Posts: 2,020
Blog Entries: 777
Join Date: January 7th 2009

Feelings and stuff - February 16th 2009, 06:06 PM

Ok so you dont have to reply to this really im just sort of rambling i guess but lately i have just been feeling very confused. I dont know if i want to stop self harming anymore because i have been doing it so long now and it feels like that is all there is for me, my life revolves around self harm and feeling low all the time. Im kind of scared that even if i did manage to stop, there would be nothing left for me. I think about it everyday even when im with other people i just imagine hurting myself in my mind. When i see blood or hear anyone talking about it it makes me want to hurt myself. Im not sure what i have done wrong but i just feel like a terrible person, like there is something inside me which knows im terrible so i deserve the punishment. There are times when i feel like i should just hide away from the world and stop talking to everyone, because they dont deserve me ruining things for them. I feel like i shouldnt be here, it feels wrong and like i dont belong. I feel sort of out of place and really, sort of, big? I dont know my body just feels so huge when inside i feel so small.
I dont even know if this is making sense because everything im thinking and feeling is all opposites and i feel so confused and frightened i never know what to do.. i dont know how to explain it. Everything just seems so... pointless? its just like, why bother? whats the point? I feel as if there is something on top of my head, weighing me down and stopping me doing anything. I feel fat and ugly and disgusting and i hate it, i hate every part of me. I want to cry when i look in the mirror. I just dont know what to do with myself??? and i have so much homework (coursework) over the holidays and i really cant do it with this pushing me down... Im using every ounce of my energy to keep going