Thread: Triggering: Not getting any better.
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Omen. Offline
Laughter. Faith. Hope.

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Age: 27
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Unhappy Not getting any better. - November 19th 2010, 03:35 AM

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Everyone, including my parents, think I'm getting better and recovering from this depression. Well, I'm not. In fact I'm getting worse. It's come to the point where I don't really care what happens anymore. Don't say that it'll get better and over time I'll become a stronger person. It wonít workÖat all. Because I've reached a point in my life where I don't really care what happens anymore. I just want to kill myself so badly. Everyday is a never ending cycle of pain, hurt and anger. Not once have I been truly happy since December 2008. Yeah I've had my good moments...but they only lasted a second. I'm pathetic. I'm a tart. I've become everything that I've hated about myself.
I gave head to a guy yesterday and let him finger me when he has a girlfriend. I like him so much and apparently he likes me. But he's fucking around with my emotions. He told me on Facebook Chat that we should wait before we do anything else.
I just want to die so badly. I never want to feel this pain and agony again. I want to talk to someoneÖanyone about how Iím feeling and have them understand. I donít want to see a councillor because I find it so wrong to talk to someone because thatís their job. They have to listen to me telling them about how bad Iím feeling because that's what they get paid for. I donít want to tell my parents because they have enough on their plate. My Mum has Anxiety and Depression and has told me that she wants to jump off a bridge herself. My Mum told me yesterday that I was pathetic because I was late coming back from college and didnít tell her that I was going to walk around a bit with this guy I like so my Mum had to wait 20-30 minutes for me. My Dad canít stand where he works and is already worried about my Mum. My brother and I arenít close at all and he will go and tell my parents everything that Iíve told him. I donít trust anyone anymore. I used to be so free and trusting that I would tell and ask anyone for advice on a situation. But now, I keep everything to myself because to me thatís the best way of handling things. I just want someone to look in my eyes and say ďYouíre not happy the way everyone thinks you are. Now tell me everything thatís going on and I promise to help youĒ. Thatís all I want. For someone to realise just how much pain Iím in. To realise that ending my life would be so much easier for me. But no, no-one will because they simply donít give a damn. They donít understand anything at all because they all think that because I have a smile on my face and a cheerful tone to my voice then Iím perfect. That Iím fine. Well Iím not. People were so surprised when I told them I had OCD and Depression because Iím the one that never shows how angry or depressed I am. No matter what, I always have a smile on my face because I canít stand letting people know how Iím truly feeling. Itís like I canít because Iím so used to smiling and laughing that I kind of force myself to not show how hurt I really am. Call me a fake. Call me melodramatic. Call me every name under the sun and Iíll take it because I deserve it. Iím a horrible person who deserves to die because every single pain that a person feels is because of me. Blame me and I swear Iíll take it. Hit me for all I care. Because I will take it as I deserve every single bad thing that comes my way. I deserve to feel this Depression. I deserve to die. Thereís no other way for me to get out of this situation apart from committing suicide. I look at other people wishing that I was living their life and not mine. I would do anything to be someone else.
Iím just so good at being a fake person that itís like itís become a part of my life. That no matter what, people will think Iím alright. But I want someone to look past this mask Iím wearing and see my true colours, my real emotions and feelings.
I shouldnít even be a Live Help Operator or even a Staff Member at all because Iím the reason why people commit suicide. Iím the reason why people feel like crap. So just take it out on me. I give up. Iíve lost. Depression you have won. So please, let me die so you can take over.

Last edited by Omen.; November 19th 2010 at 04:08 AM.