Thread: Triggering: Tired of this.
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Name: Vanessa
Age: 26
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Join Date: May 3rd 2010

Tired of this. - December 8th 2010, 11:58 PM

This thread has been labeled as triggering by the original poster or by a Moderator. Please take this into consideration before continuing to read.

Triggering for self harm and suicide
Just skip the quoted text if you don't want to read the background story and get to the main point.

Well, in the months that I've been away from here many things have happened. One, I went 6 months without any self harm. It felt great, I felt great. But then it all goes down the damn drain once again. A year ago or so I opened up about some abuse I experienced, and I can still be a bit sensative about it at times.

Anyways, during my fourth period class a girl's comment about abuse set me off. I went into fifth, and ended up talking to my teacher and I asked him how someone could say something like that. I didn't explain why it affected me so much though. I was nearly in tears, he excused me to go to the bathroom and I cried. Went home that night, and cut. All those months of..being ok, gone. A few days later, the teacher talked to me again in the morning, he said I needed to talk to someone about why I got so upset. After a little bit of resistance, I told him that I would think about talking to him at lunch.

I went in, cried my eyes out to the guy and explained nearly everything. I didn't touch the self-harm topic. He talked with me, and tried to convince me to go up to the Guidance office to speak with my counsellor. I disagreed throughly and firmly. He then told me he would talk to a consellor, but not my own, and he would tell me what he said. (He was going to explain the situation without giving my name, then tell me what the counsellor said.) To this, I agreed.

Next day, I talk to him at lunch again. The counsellor is there and I kinda freaked out. But he left, and I talked to my teacher again. To shorten things up a bit, he managed to convince me to talk to the counsellor.

A few weeks passed, with me talking to either one some days. Anyways, a few days ago I talked to my teacher, telling him I needed to speak with him. He asked me if I was self harming, I hesitantly said I was, and he took me up to guidance office right away. I missed my bus home, and spent time talking to the counsellor. I was mad at my teacher for a few days after.

Okkkaaay. Last thursday I had a breakdown. And i'd be damned if it was infront of the class, so I got excused to go to Guidance in fourth period. I had a break down in his office, and told him:

~My self harm was getting worse, and had moved to my arms
~I was having thoughts of suicide.

He called my mother. Told her everything. Told her I needed to go to the hospital, and to make an appointment to see my social worker. My mom got angry at me, when we got home my father refused to speak with me, or look at me. I got in massive trouble, but my mom called my social worker.

The appointment to see him yesterday was cancelled, because of a massive snow storm. My social worker told my mom that they didn't blame her for not taking me anywhere when she picked me up from the school. Now I feel like he doesn't give two sh**s. And my next appointment is in two weeks.
I'm still self harming, and it's going lower on my arm. I'm still having suicidal thoughts, and I feel like no one cares. My teacher and the counsellor...I think they care, but I've convinced myself they're more worried about liability and all that.

I don't know what to do anymore. My mother told me if I can't handle simple comments at school, I need to look at a different job idea and not go there, that I should be done with feeling bad about the abuse, done with the depresson, with the self harm..Alright fine, whats the f***ing point anymore then?!

(sorry for the long text, I haven't spoken to anyone and I'm going farther down the drain and afraid where I'm gonna end up. I usually hate talking to people, I've even told my teacher that I feel bad for talking to him. So er, sorry for dumping my problems.)