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SparklingWine Offline
Normality, my friends.
Jeez, get a life!
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Name: Lynds :)
Age: 27
Gender: Grill ;)
Location: Seattle

Posts: 7,232
Blog Entries: 197
Join Date: February 19th 2009

Re: I'm so stupid. I hate myself - February 5th 2011, 07:26 PM

Hey there Allison,

I can totally understand how you are feeling, as I went through the same thing that you did. It can be really tough to deal with. I know that you know a lot about eating disorders, but what isn't included in the fine print, is how it feels to lose control. Internet, friends, teachers, parents, books, etc. says it can spiral out of control. In the beginning we think we won't let it get out of control, but it happens when we are most vulnerable. You have to know that you are beautiful, because everyone is beautiful. I know that is hard to believe, but looking at everyone through a positive set of eyes will help make that more believable.

I can't tell you how to pull the wool over your moms eyes, as far as not eating goes. I know this isn't going to seem as such to you, but maybe your mom watching your food intake is the best in the long run. You really don't want this to go beyond your control. In some cases, when eating disorders get so bad, you have to be admitted into a hospital, and they stick you on a feeding tube. This has not happened to me before. But I am familiar with people that it has happened to, and they say that not being able to taste food, and being able to eat yourself is horrible. Once you are down that road, it is really, really difficult to get off of it. Not only do you drop below a healthy weight, lots of other medical things can go wrong too. For me, my immune system crashed. I got an infection one time, and it took so long to heal. My hair started falling out, my fingernails brittle, and my hands were always blue.

As for scratching, that is not healthy to do. We self harm as a way of coping with things that are sometimes beyond our control. Fortunately, with good support and distraction, we can over come this. Have you ever thought about seeking professional help? Professional help had helped me with my ED and self harm. I really feel as though you might benefit from that. Of course, you have to want to recovery. Recovery is a process, but worth it. The better side of things make life easier. Getting there is the struggle. The way you're going about things aren't going to make for a very easy life. You may think that it solves problems. But I can assure you that it's not.

I am sorry that you are having to go to a different school! Making friends can be very difficult. Some are blessed with the ability to make friends at the drop of a dime. I, on the other hand, am not. I made friends when I made friends by making small talk with people. I also joined clubs. I am glad you are trying to do that. I think that it's great. I joined clubs according to my own interests. If you join a club, make sure you join because you are interested in it. That way, you can make friends with people having similar interest as you do. I know, easier said then done. In order to get friends, you sometimes have to put yourself out of your comfort zone. Friends, and making them take effort on both sides. Once you gain friends, things start falling into place. Talking to them, and making friends will be easier. I want to see you get some good friends to support you because you deserve that.

I am sorry to hear that you and your mom don't get along very well. I would suggest maybe writing her a letter, telling her how her yelling makes you feel. Or you can just talk to her face to face. It sounds like her yelling is stressing you out. That used to happen with my mom. Sometimes parents don't realize when they are making mistakes. It is ok to sometimes remind them when they are doing something that doesn't feel good to you. If her screaming is affecting your well-being and health, then do your best to distract yourself from her. You need to do things that are healthy for you. I know that it seemingly difficult, but well worth it.

I hope this helped! Remember, you're worth it!
-Lyndsee


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