Thread: Triggering (Suicide): Feelin suicidal!!!!
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Lovehatelife23 Offline
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Name: Leslie
Age: 28
Gender: Female
Location: somewhere im not...anymore

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Join Date: October 27th 2010

Unhappy Re: Feelin suicidal!!!! - February 25th 2011, 02:35 AM

well bc im suppose to be a adult but i have a disorder. I am Fetal Alchol Syndrom n in my records they say when i was little i was always depressed bout something but they didnt kno wat. my dad n other poeple would tell me tat i was a basket case for some reason. I asked wat tat was n i was SHOCKED! bc i stated tellin myself tat they must think i should be in a mental hospital. Im 19 turnin 20 years old n i feel like my life is passin me bye. Ive been tellin people tat my Life has just went so fast n i cant see where it all went. but i was bad anyways. i dont really remember bout my life bc ive been so lost. when i was doing all tat stuff i feel like its going to affect me in anyway when i get older. I want to sometimes SCREAM bloody murder. I feel lost. I feel like its a possible to just get rid of myself bc no one would miss me. they r to stuck up in their world tat they dont have time for me. I want to make a dream n follow it. but feelin like this doesnt want me to. I used to be happy but then im not bc of how my life is. I told people tat my past HAUNTS me for some reason. I try not to thin bout it but it just keeps on comin back. for 3 months now ive been havin bad dreams im killin myself or runnin away or going back to a mental hospital or getting in to trouble. it would scare me. I would say tat i want to kill myself but i wouldnt go n do it bc i am scared tat it would go through n i would be in BIG trouble. If my parents found me dead or suffering bc ive done something to myself U know wat my mom would say? she would say She had a good life theres no reason why she would of killed herself. Life is always PEACHY its has its ups n downs. Today i wanted to do something either slice my arm wide open or go out in the garage n hang myself. all day ive been thinkin of ways of killin myself. i try to think of something else but keeps on comin back. Maybe i need just let go n say GOOD BYE! It didnt matter to me if i went to heaven or hell i just want to be done with this suffering. at nite sometimes i cant sleep bc it feels like someone or something is right there beside me n i didnt know if it was a angel or the devil. I dont know. I try to pray to God at nite but my misserys didnt go away. I would ask forgiviness for wat ive done ro something or try to ask for help or something. sometimes i would go down to the stores n there would be police officers i would be scared or wanting to tell them tat i was suicidal n let them take me away. my dad was tellin me tat when i was little tat the doctors was saying they would of put me somewhere for the rest of my life if i wasnt going to get better. I feel like im a failer. I feel like my life has no reason to live much longer. I feel like no one cares. Im losing it peice by peice day by day its just gettin worse. i dont know or how it will get better. but if it does tat would be a maricle.

CJ Collins 1993-2008
He was a Awesome Kid
I Love you n Miss you

You learn at a certain pace. Then that pace goes away. Then

you try and try to do everything you can. Then it gets harder.

Then you give up. Then its all over.

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