Thread: Triggering (Suicide): I don't know why I did this.
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_sunsets64. Offline
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Name: Anna
Gender: Female
Location: escaping to hogwarts (:

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Join Date: November 29th 2011

Re: I don't know why I did this. - January 5th 2012, 03:00 AM

Hey Aj, I'm really sorry for all the pain that you're going through right now. And you're really brave for posting on here. You should be proud of yourself for that, and for caring enough to try to get help for yourself--it means you're still fighting, despite everything you're going through, which is incredible and admirable. Not everyone has that strength, especially after already going through being suicidal once.
And it's not stupid to push away your friends, it's completely understandable-- I know exactly how you feel. I used to feel just like this, hating being around people, but hating to be alone all the time too, but just not having the energy, mentally or physically, to make an effort around them. And sometimes, being around your friends is worse, because you have to make an extra effort to act happy or to be a part of the conversation or make excuses with them, so pushing them away is totally understandable--you're just trying to protect your feelings by distancing yourself.
Why were you depressed/suicidal the last time, though, if you don't mind me asking? Are you in a similar situation to where you were last time? Maybe there are parallels between now and then that are causing you to feel this way again.
I know you don't want to tell your parents, but I really think they could help you out here. Granted, I don't know them, but if they got you a therapist last time and they've helped you out before, they should be understanding again this time. Although, just because you got rid of your therapist doesn't mean you can't talk to them anymore. Do you have their contact information? Maybe you could call or email them and just let them know how you're feeling and that you really need help and ask for their opinion on what to do.
I know it's so tough right now, but just keep in mind that you've been here before and you made it through, and you can do it again. Your friend will understand if you explain everything to her later on when you're feeling better and when you want to talk to her again, and it will get better. As hard as it is, though, try not to close too many important people out of your life right now--you need good support. Definitely try to contact your old therapist and try to talk to your parents or your friend if you want.
I wanted to kill myself a few years ago, so I get what you're going through right now. If you ever want to talk, just send me a PM, I'm always here. Whatever your decision, keep in mind that the end of the line doesn't have to be when you break down and kill yourself--it can be when you reach out and ask for help, even when you're terrified and exhausted and you don't know if you even really want to, because that's when you need it the most.
Hang in there--I know it's tough, but you're strong, and you can make it


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