[Callie Sharma]

I'm still in the process of figuring my sexuality out, and I'm 16 years old. I think I always liked hanging around girls more than guys, but it was always expected that I would like boys, and I've had my share of a few big crushes - but they were for a long time, mostly idealized and not really based on anything except dreaming, and always on my best guy friend. I'm the first child, so I didn't know anything at all. Going back though, I can see that there might be hints. When I was 8, I had a best friend who I wanted to do EVERYTHING with, to the point where I got very upset if she had other friends and had a life outside me (although of course I was allowed to do this). I was so jealous that I ended up having huge fights with her every day for a month, and it finally ended our friendship. No one could really convince me that I was wrong. I guess maybe I had a crush on her? I'm not really sure, though.

When I look at guys, it's different than how I look at girls. Guys are fun to flirt with, but whenever commitment comes up or there's something physical involved, it's not as fun. I made out with my best guy friend and it was nice, but it wasn't spectacular. I'm grossed out by the idea of blow jobs, and although sex doesn't seem terrible, it sort of cools me down. I'm much more aroused by women.

As to when I started to figure this out, probably around when I was 13 years old, the summer before eighth grade. I started thinking maybe I was bisexual, but the person I told didn't take me very seriously. When I sort of developed a crush on a girl and she asked me out in ninth grade, it came up again and I've been trying to figure myself out since. I'd say I'm probably somewhere between bisexual and a lesbian, closer to bisexual because of my behavior, but it's still a very long road.

People expect you to know from the very beginning that you're different, but if you're anything like me, you're very externally oriented. I tend to internalize what's not considered "good" or "likeable" about me and to focus on what I can do to seem normal, so even if I was having these feelings at the time, I wouldn't have realized it. Now, I'm trying to be honest with myself and see where that gets me.

Hope this helps.

Callie