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kaytastrophie_xo Offline
Ignorance is bliss..
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Name: A.
Age: 27
Gender: Female
Location: U.S.

Posts: 181
Blog Entries: 8
Join Date: January 6th 2009

what is wrong with me..? - March 15th 2009, 03:29 PM

A lot has been happeneing since the last time I posted... I had to leave for a short time to deal with everything but it's becoming to much so I really need to let some of this out.

There's not much good in my life right now but I will start with what little there is; on February 25 the guy who raped me was finally kicked out of my school for good. And right off the bat I realized that I wasn't reacting the way that was to be expected. I thought I'd be thrilled, I thought I'd feel this huge weight off my shoulder, but I didn't. I still felt fear. I still feel it at every moment, I'm constantly watching my back. Some may call it paranoia, but I call it necessary. He lives so close... It's like a nightmare. I never know when he's going come back and fullfill his promises... I saw him two days ago and it felt as though I had just gotten stabbed in the chest. Now everytime I close my eyes, everytime I even blink I see that night over and over again. I keep seeing it all happeneing... I keep seeing him holding me down and I see it all happen again. Then I see when he finally let me leave and he said "are you mad?" Will this ever go away..? I don't know what to do..

Also, I have this friend. He used to be my best friend. We were really close but when this nightmare started, he started to slowly fade from my life. He always had doubts about what I said happened. I don't even know what he believes to this day. It hurts, a lot, to have someone that was so close to you tell you you are lying about someone raping you... And then randomly he would be so supportive. He would ask me how things were going with him and he would encourage me to hang on and tell me things will get better. I tell him everything. He is the ONE person I acually feel comfortable talking too, I don't know why. About a week ago he found out I was overdosing. First he blew up at me. I stopped talking to him for a couple of days to let him cool off. Then yesterday he came back and he started talking to me again and he started it off with "Angela, I don't know why you would kill yourself over something like this. There are many more people who have it worse than you that fight it out everyday." I know that's true, but no matter how bad I tell him I'm feeling he just kept saying it doesn't matter and that I'm overreacting.Then he threw out at me "Bad things happen to good people. It was an unfortunate situation but you need to move on because you are the only one who still cares" That really crossed the line. I don't know who the hell he thinks he is to say that shit to me, but he did. And he thinks it means nothing. My family still cares, they have fought for me since the day it happened. My REAL friends still care.

There are other things going on that I thought I was going to be able to talk about but I can't right now... I'm having a really hard time staying away from pills and cutting right now after last night... I don't want to give in, I really don't. I'm really sorry this is so long and ridiculous but I'm afraid if I didn't get it out I would lose my mind.


Originally joined: June 2008


" He has no remorse for his actions,
And feels nothing but pleasure.
To see her suffer is his joy-
And her innocence is his treasure. "

is this what you really want from me..?