[PSY]

There's a lot going on here, and while I can't diagnose you, I suspect a lot of these behaviors and emotions may be connected to the rape and your unhealthy relationship with your stepfather. If those issues remain unresolved, then you may find it difficult to stop hurting yourself, or to develop healthier ways of handling your emotions with people/animals/objects. I strongly, strongly urge you to seek help from a psychological professional in order to address the core issues underlying these behaviors and emotions. You can talk to your regular doctor and receive a referral, or look someone up in the phone directory/online and contact them. If there is an adult you can trust, it may be easier to set up an appointment with their assistance or support (ex. they could drive you to the appointment and stay in the waiting room).