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Join Date: March 29th 2012
Why do I hurt myself and how can I stop in moments like these? -
March 29th 2012, 05:40 AM
I have a problem. *A couple weeks back, I was struggling to finish and turn in all my assignments. So naturally my dad confronted me about it when he received the progress report, and he was a little angered because I had done this in the past. We talked about it, he went away, and I continued to work on homework. Now I was working on a group project, and was texting one of my partners when my dad came in, looked at me, and without explaining, yelled at me to put together a binder of the college letters I had been receiving in the mail. *When i asked ehy, he told me it was so that i could go back and see sll the colleges i eould have been rejected from in thefuture. *At first, bewildered, I went with it. It took me a solid 20 minutes, but when I was done, he started to make it degrading. He told me to add a table of contents, and later, to make a title page. He told me to color it, make it look pretty, and to use bubble letters. *He wasn't joking, he was completely serious. *All of *this was based on the assumption that I was texting instead of doing my work, so I had no idea why I was being attacked in such an assholish manner. *So I had had enough. *I threw my binder across the room, screamed at him a little, and then went up to my room. *Now him, not being able to take shit from anybody, went up and screamed at me to do as he asked. Each time I said no; I had thought that it was a completely unreasonable request and that it was demeaning in the worst of ways. *That was when he started taking my stuff. He took a box, swiped all of the stuff off my desk, my dresser etc, my new soccer cleats, and started to throw it away. This went on for several minutes while I watched in a stubborn fit. *He was about to throw the last of it away when he said to me, "last chance, are you sure you don't want to do it?" At this point I had had it. I screamed "fine!!" at him, and out of pure rage, beat myself in the face and knocked a hole in the wall with my head. Now, there's been much dysfunction in my family over the years, my siblings and I had been verbally, mentally and physically abused on a regular basis in our early days. *Our parents have really not learned how to deal with anger either and have mostly taken it out on us. I have looked back on this history and asked, "why do I resort to hurting myself to release this?" but have found no explanation. I have had a history with beating myself and hitting my head against the wall, but would never cut. *Anyways, after,, I told my dad it was his and my moms fault that I didn't know how to deal with my emotions, but he wouldn't have any of it. He was in denial, and furthermore, he said, it was my problem to deal with even if it was true. *Now he resents me and sees me as a problem, and doesn't want to deal with me for the sake of not having the same thing happen. *I feel so alienated and alone in my own house as my relationships with my younger siblings aren't all that good either. I really don't know what to do. *I've explained the situation to my mom and she wants to help, but can't accept that she's done a less than perfect job parenting. *Please help!