I think I may be a FtM transsexual -
March 31st 2012, 08:47 PM
This is a really confusing time for me right now, so forgive me if things come out somewhat muddled as I write . . . It will probably be a string of thoughts as things come to mind.
I'm not one of those girls who has been a tomboy all her life. Saying this, though, I've never been particularly feminine, either. Casual, really, and just dressing as to what I feel that day.
However, over the past few years I've had moments - or even prolonged, underlying moments - where I desired to be male. I've felt more comfortable in male company and being treated as an equal (even if my closest friends have been female) and even online, sometimes I'd make male personas or just get flattered when I wouldn't specify and be mistaken as male. Drawing or playing out male egos, and even dressing as male. They make me happy.
It has nothing to do with sexuality. I'm not a lesbian, though I have had purely romantic feelings towards girls (not sexual) in the past, which brushes on another point I'll touch on later. But I've always sort of seen people undergoing FtM and transsexuality as a sexuality thing. It is only recently online that I've come across females who are straight, who actually came out as transmen and are therefore gay, which I can relate to. I know now that gender and sexuality don't necessarily go hand-in-hand.
I often dream of myself as a gay man, and fantasize it before bed. Essentially, just ME. But male. I feel almost restricted as a female.
So while I've had this underlying desire for a while, it truly rose to the surface just recently. I fell in love with a guy, and we dated. After some time he broke it off with me and told me "it's because he isn't comfortable in relationships - probably not just me - but with anyone" but we managed to stay friends. Very close friends, actually. It killed me inside, and still does, because I still care for him. However, after some time now my genuine suspicion is that he's gay, or at least prefers men over women, because I know that he does like men. I have my reasons for believing this; I won't necessarily write them here to avoid going off topic.
My second issue is feeling romantic towards females. I don't have feelings for just any girl - no light crushes. When I crush on girls I crush HARD. In fact, it's only happened twice. But anyway, my most recent interest is female, but she's straight.
Why is it that I steer more towards bisexual or slightly effeminate men, or straight females?
This issue brought up a new passion, for almost despising my gender and how it restricts me. None of it seems fair.
I wish I was male. I really, really do.
But this is what I'm scared of. I don't want people to look at me and say "oh, it's that girl who pretends to be a boy" or any of that. I just want to continue being me. Nothing more. Being seen as different, and having that hinder relationships and my way of life is NOT what I want. I mean, what if I'm never loved again? What if I'll never be able to start a family?
But then again, how can I know that this isn't just a faze?
I'm really confused, but . . . that is how I feel. I feel like a gay, little man. Oh, how I wish for a miracle where I would just change.