I can't take it anymore. -
April 10th 2012, 04:30 AM
My life is ruled by anxiety,paranoia, and irrational worrying. I've had problems with it since middle school and I'm a senior in high school now.
I have a fair degree of anxiety in social situations. I always worry about my health and the health of people I care about. Sometimes if I have a headache I'll keep myself up at night, convinced that I have a brain tumor or something crazy. I don't like being awake at night when I'm alone, because I'm afraid someone will break into my house and kill me or something. If it's not one thing, it's another.
What's been beginning to bother me again lately, especially since the weather has been getting nicer, is my two little siblings playing outside. I will NEVER let them out of my sight. It doesn't matter if they're outside on the trampoline and I can see them from my bedroom window, I HAVE to be out there. I don't know exactly what I think will happen to them, that they'll run away or get kidnapped or something? If one of them is "lost" (i.e., mostly it's something like they went to a different part of the house and I just didn't notice) for just a moment I'll have a full-on panic attack until I "find" them. The only time I feel completely at peace about this is late at night, because everyone is sleeping. During the day I'll try to persuade them to stay inside as much as possible so I don't have to worry. This is my whole spring/summer until it starts snowing again.
This may not make sense, but "intellectually", I KNOW that all of this is for the most part, irrational. But I think knowing it intellectually is different from knowing it "emotionally". I know that this is completely irrational, and when people trying to help me tell me that, I agree. But it doesn't change how I feel, so I keep reacting in these ways. I know that my mom loves and cares about me, but she just doesn't understand that I'm not doing this on purpose. She always gets mad at me for acting like this. She's told me before that I'm "being completely stupid" and that I "just need to stop". But I CAN'T. At least by myself, anyway. Does she think that I choose this? I hate it. I'm not myself anymore because I'm always worrying. Most of the time I feel like I'm just plodding through life until I die. I'm afraid to ask her to help me find professional help because she doesn't think I need it.
I'm dreading tomorrow just because I'll have a whole new batch of worries to face, and then it repeats again and again. I want to break this cycle but I simply don't know how. I don't know what to do anymore.