[confusedkid1]

Well I have said it before but yeah it's lately on my mind. I am expecting. And have gender identity issues... I am not really trans but I feel in this respect I'm bad right? Well I finally came to a common ground with a girl I was with a few times and got pregnant. Supposedly I'm the only one she was with. She's been nicer I think because school is over soon for like she graduate in June. She said I was too fucked up genderwise. What will our kid think... I look female mostly by my expression plus she knows I'm this way She doesn't want our child to be confused and think two girls can make a baby. That's just weird. I don't like the thought of being called dad either. I don't want to be a dad. It emphasizes something I resent Ok well I wish I were a girl with a penis... Not a transsexual type deal. I could be that right now well actually since I have an intersex condition not completely but similar. But I mean among the many conditions I mean like how some women are born with this one disorder. Yet at birth I appeared quite similar to them. And they are genetic females and can have children but were born with a penis with no balls just like me. At birth there was no difference besides internal gonads which eventually shows it's ugly division. So you see I kind of am jealous of motherhood of pregnancy even though I can have kids just can't carry them. I never wanted to be a dad not a parent now but never a dad. What good is a dad if all he ever dreams of is being in a mom in his future? That's apart of my dreams sometimes. That is just jealousy creeping in. I mean I feel like she has a point I am going to ruin her. Because I can't be the dad she needs. I'm too fucked up. Yet I can't even claim to be a girl in a guy's body. I don't in general feel that way. I just feel jealous about the parenting thing not now but in the future. Like when everyone's in their 30's I'll settle down with a girl and if we have kids I have to take the role as a father and I'll never be a normal man so how could I ever be normal in a familial structure it'll always look weird and confuse young children. All young kids say 'she' when they refer to me. Even if others say he. How do I expect my child to grow up normal. If I'm not...I'm just going to create a mess because that's what I am. I'm too messed up to be good... I am at least the first in my family history to actually have a child and be this way. I thought every child was a blessing but I feel like in this way I'll never be right. It's just the cold hard truth.Is she right? What does a child need a mother and a father if the father acts more like a mom than a dad?