EDIT: This is a long one, i am sorry about that :/
I just created this account, just to talk about this. Also, English is not my first language, so I apologize in advance by any mistake or confusion.
I'm 19, and my sister is 16. All started when i logged in her computer just so i could fix some
pc related problems. I saw that her tumblr page was open, so i decided to see it, when I came across a private conversation between her and another person, (i don't know how tumblr works) but in a comment where there was her photo and a balloon above it, i could read something like this: "Just do what i did last time i was suicidal, think about other things... etc" something like this. I never though anything like this, ever, about her, but i didn't say anything, since she was talking in the past, and i didn't know what to say... This was less than a week ago.
Today, i was alone when i came across a notebook in her room (a normal writing book), and i started reading it. I notice that it was her diary, and unfortunately her handwriting is worse than a doctor, so i had to read each thing like two or three times to understand it. I came across things like: Problems at school, with friends, she doesn't like her body (she thinks she is too slim, i believe it's just genetics cause my mother when she was her age was also like her) but in school they say thinks to her about that. She is currently on 11 grade, and i could read about how she says she was really depressed on the 7 grade (i believe it was the time she was talking on tumblr about), and that till today she had days where she were feeling happy then sad, and this goes on and on (the diary went since the 8 or 9 grade till today). Till i came across something like this "Today i cut myself", i was like what? i had to read it multiple times because of her handwriting but i found +- 4 or 5 more entrances about that, i think it started, i don't know, maybe may or June this year, and what she felt about it.
She was talking about my parents, they don't understand her, they don't take her seriously (normal stuff for teenagers, sadly). She talked about me, sister stuff, good and bad things... she sometimes had entrances that said she was starting to feel like she did in the 7 grade... She hides her true self, she hides her thoughts,... Honestly, i read it like 5 hours ago, and it´s starting to become a blur.
This really caught me by surprise, cause she is really good at hiding her feelings. She never talked about herself, she is very reserved (like me). Most of the time she is on the internet (in the living room, i can see her monitor), laughing at youtube videos, sending me links to watch... Everything is fine. I have to say that we never said to each other what we felt about each other, i honestly assume she sometimes didn't like me (when she was younger i was a little mean, it got better, but there is of course those normal sister hate days till today). Till i came across this old entrance in her diary (maybe some years ago, don't remember) "I especially seek approval from my sister", this kind of broke my heart, cause I never really thought she cared about me, I don’t know, this seems like a bad thing to say but it's only because she never said she liked me (but now that i think about it, i never said it to). The problem is, some of you will probably say “Just have a talk with her, say what really goes in your heart about her”. I understand this, but I am the type of person that doesn’t talk about my feelings, I seriously am mortify if I have to have that talk, especially with my sister (don’t ask me why, I don’t know).
I don’t know what do, I don’t want to be the person to talk to her (by fear), but I know that I have to talk at least with my mother (I don’t know anyone from her school, not even an adult that isn’t part of my family). Cause this can have two outcomes, the first is I don’t say anything and this goes away (of course this is very rare to happen), or she does something worse and I will live my life with guilt. (I kind of wish I never read it, damn you! curiosity!). I never saw any marks on her.
I was thinking tomorrow when I am alone with my mother to tell her this (I already created a conversation in my head): “Mother, I think we need to find a psychologist for Mary (fictitious name), I have to show you a book and what she wrote”, and then convince her to talk to her by saying she was the one that found the book and started reading it. From here I don’t know what to expect. I good outcome, would be to find a psychologist, but we are so seriously bad economically, that I don’t know (but I assume they will try to spend money they don’t have). A second outcome would be that they are the ones to talk to her and not a psychologist…. I really don’t know what to do. The minute my mother will read the words “cut” this family will never be the same, this is the family that before all this, I thought it was a functional family; I never once heard my parents fighting, about anything. So I am kind of in a shock. It’s like my sister has two personalities. But of course I have been reading this type of thing for years, I love psicology.
Should I do this last scenario?
What should I do? I am definitely not the one that will talk to her. So should I keep this to myself forever? Because I really am not sure of this 100%, her handwriting was really bad, I would need a second opinion reading that… and i have this thing were if something horrible or shocking happens I started to lose grip of the reality of what happen to the point where I asked if it really happened… ...So my sister isn’t the only one that needs help…
What should i do?
Thank you.