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Roamin4life Offline
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Name: Kyle
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Location: Wenatchee, WA

Posts: 8
Blog Entries: 2
Join Date: May 22nd 2011

King for a day.... - October 9th 2012, 09:07 AM

Ever since i was little, my parents have played off when i was hurt, when i broke my leg my step mom said it was nothing 3 day latter doc said other wise when my appendicitis felt it was about to burst my dad said "dont waste the doctors time when they could save someones life" but my bio mom rushed me there and i was on the brink of death from the pain it felt so bd.... so i have never feel comfortable talking about me it makes me feel like people are going to judge, there going to think im just some baby look for attention. so i dont talk to anyone about this but.... for the past 5 years i have been having suicidal thoughts.. and i have tryed multiple times either what the rope was tyed to broke every time or i wimped out after the first cut and i felt dizzy.... but i tryed again thursday.. i drank 3 differnt types of alcohol mixed in 11 1/2 shots, glasses that are over regular size, within 15 mins, hoping the alcohol poisoning would kill me and that was at 8 in the morning before school....but i was caught sadly, the nurse made me throw up and i was puking blood guess thts what happens when yuo drink on an empty stomach, and now i get a court date for minor drunk in public, yay... since then ive lyed to my principle my parents every one.. said im fine now, and they still worry but believe me and im going to go see a counselor get a drug evaluation, see a doc to see if i need meds........ and i still think about it alot tho... i still want to jump out of my truck the second before a semi goes by, i want to tie shoelaces from my closet hang pole to... well... hang and its always running through my mind... idk but i just dont want to live..but i cant think about not living.... and then i hear all this "future" shit and "its selfish" crap... and you know what. Fuck my future i dont fucking care i only care for other people, i care to much what they think i try not to but when your raised to believe its important then it gets to you..... i want to be fucking selfish but i fucking wimp out almost always.... i think to much thats what keeps me thinking about it, but its also what keeps me alive because what if it hurts one of my friend so bad they do it?... i cant handle that thought.... what if my good friends do something amazing and im not around to see it? What if's.... i hate what if's..... my friends and music are all that keep me alive... if it wasn't for these 2 things i swear id have been gone 5 years ago......