mariagv Offline

To summarize, for my entire life, my family has been extremely unstable. My dad has a very tumultuous behavior, where he randomly gets extremely angry — he'll slam doors, yell, curse at people etc. He had a lot of problems with my older brother a few years ago that resulted in physical altercations and police visits. Additionally, he would argue with my mom quite often, being somewhat emotionally abusive. He is normal about 75 percent of the time, being really kind and funny and friendly. But when he's angry, he's like a different person. Growing up this way, my older siblings weren't the most emotionally supportive. They were victims like me and my younger brother, but they were often very cold and distant to me. They weren't the best role models, barely graduating high school, and they were often very selfish and considerate. In high school, I ended up joining cross country and track in hopes of getting away from the hostility of my family, and it was the best decision of my life. My teammates became like the family I never had, and my coach like the father figure I never had. I saw them every single day for three years because our sport was year round. We would go on trips together, practice every day, and they supported me emotionally through everything, and they still do now a year after graduating. Within those three years, I saw more of them than I did my own blood family, so we ended up considering each other family instead. Now that I have graduated high school and most of us still go to college around our hometown, we still make an effort to see each other as often as possible. However, my family members are constantly making me feel bad for spending more time with my friends than I do with them. To be fair, my family isn't as unstable as it used to be, and my older siblings are a lot more supportive now that they're older. But I feel no type of attachment to them, and I feel horrible about it. For these past few years I barely spent any time at home to get away from the chaos of my family, to be around my friends who took care of me and raised me. I don't feel at home at all with my family. But to be fair, my older siblings were hardly supportive of me when I was in high school. I would invite them to my cross country/track races but they'd never show. I've been a writer for four years now, being an editor for my high school and college newspaper, and writing for another online publication. My older siblings know this, but they have never read a single thing I've written, and they can't even name the publications I write for. Meanwhile, my friends are always reading my articles and saying how proud they are of me. It breaks my heart that I'm constantly getting all these congratulations for my success, but not a single one comes from my own family. The only sibling I have any attachment to is my brother who is two years younger than me, and I try my hardest to be a better older sibling to him than my older siblings were to me. I go to most of his sporting events, and I always ask him how he is doing. We are relatively pretty close. But I am still so frustrated. My mother and my older siblings are constantly berating me for not paying enough attention to my family, and for "caring more about my friends." I will always care about my family, but they failed to be there for me when I was young and vulnerable, suffering through all of our family issues. Additionally, they don't even try to make plans with me, yet for some reason it's all on me — the younger sister — to make all the effort. I don't know if what I'm feeling is right. I know that they say blood is thicker than water, but my friends have been so much more supportive of me through the years than my own family. When I'm around them, I feel like I'm truly at home. They remind me of all of the good things, and I feel so much more safe around them than I do my own blood family — because for my whole life, it's been like walking on egg shells in my house in fear that something bad would happen again. I can't tell you how many horrible memories I have of my family, and they've resulted in a lot of emotional issues. I wish I didn't feel such hostility towards them, I don't feel like I'm at home when I'm around them at all. I plan on moving out within the year, because I can't stand the hostile environment of my house any longer. Is what I'm feeling right? I do love my family, but I don't feel close with them at all. I'll talk to them whenever I can, but all I can ever think of is all the traumatic experiences I've experienced in my family whenever I'm around them and I hate it. Am I wrong for feeling this way? What should I do?

hello, I'm going down the list of users who don't have visitor messages yet, just wanted to say hi and welcome, so very glad to have you here!