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* PerceptionIsReality OfflineMember |
Last Activity: October 27th 2013 04:47 PM
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Hi there Nathanael
My name's Tay, and I'm a Buddy here on TeenHelp, and so you know, TH is a wonderful, awesome, and safe place to be 
There's a lot to do here, like posting in the Support Forums, which it looks like you've posted in already, great There's also a Chat Room that you could enter, talk to people on here as well. We're all really accepting, so don't hesitate, please
If you ever have any questions, or just need a friend to talk to, I'm always here
Well with that being said, hey how are you?
About Me
- Basics
- Name
- Nathanael
- Gender
- Male
- Location
- Lexington, KY
- About
- About me
- I'm currently a senior in HS. From the outside I seem like a highly intelligent and athletic guy who doesn't care too much for school and is kinda lazy in school. I always get compliments from other people about my looks/intelligence. I've gotten comments almost verbatim to these from multiple people at independent times. "Nathanael could win any argument, he just knows too much'' and ''If I ever need a lawyer, I'll just call you instead''. As far as looks go I'm around a 8/10. I run track and field as a sprinter and I powerlift on my own, I also have minimal acne. I often get compliments from people I don't know at all about my hair or calf muscles (mine are really big).
I didn't type the above paragraph to brag or build myself up, i wrote it to show a great contrast to what I'm about to type.
On the inside I'm exceedingly lonely. I may have large muscles and come off as stoic especially when facing physical pain, but I would give anything for a girl my age to cuddle with me. I've been severely depressed for almost two years now, and nothing seems to help. I've tried antidepressant drugs, first ones prescribed to me by a psychiatrist (that all happened to have abysmal efficacy) and later after studying neurosceince on my own for several months different herbal antidepressants from various countrys, things like supplements or nootropics. I've also tried self engineered drug combinations I thought might work to alleviate depression. For instance combining high dose memantine with low dose adderall (or dextroamphetamine) which would in theory eliminate the amphetamine tolerance and make every day like the first day someone tried amphetamines. It worked for about 6 weeks straight without a single off day, I experienced unwavering mild hedonic euphoria. Then like my brain has done to everything else, it found some way to gradually overcome what I was doing and in a month the drugs did (and still do) almost nothing to alleviate my depression. I have also tried rigorous introspection. Originally causing my depression were other factors, such as me wishing for a higher meaning in life or the capacity to be able to believe in god. Although I know I never will because logically I know all human religions have nonexistent gods. For example if there was a benevolent god and a heaven than the benevolent god would make it not only was everyone given the opportunity to be able to make it to heaven but he would make it so everyone had equal chance to do so. A baby born in a christian family in the usa will most likely not worshiping the same god as a baby born in saudia arabia in a Muslim family. I have yet to meet a person that deserves to go to hell. Also this quote ''Is God willing to prevent evil, but not able? Then he is not omnipotent. Is he able, but not willing? Then he is malevolent. Is he both able and willing? Then whence cometh evil? Is he neither able nor willing? Then why call him God?― Epicurus''. Another thing that initially contributed to my depression was a large discrepancy between what I idealized myself to be and what I actually was in reality. My brother got a 36 on all sections of the act his first try, and my sister a 35. I may have been an awful and inattentive student all throughout school and depression may hinder my learning but I'm undeniably dumber than my siblings (my act is a 28). I'm fast, probably even the fastest male sprinter at my highschool (even faster than the black kids) but undeniably slower than my sister, who did track and placed top 3 in state in highschool and did D1 track in collage. However those problems are things I have traversed a grueling journey to overcome, whats causing my depression in the here and now is two things. First and foremost is my loneliness. I have never had a girlfriend (I've gone on a few dates, but that's it). I have a great male and female platonic friends, however that does not stop me from feeling empty inside without a girl to love and be loved by. The second thing making me depressed is the discrepancy between what i could be if i was at my full potential (not depressed and able to do what I want). Even though i didn't want it in the past, since around 10th grade I really want to get good grades. I actually care about learning and I wish i could excel in school. However I am so depressed I miss school 1-2 days every week because I'm ''ill'' and when i do come I put my head down in class and sleep (or pretend to because i feel like shit but i can't fall asleep because i took drugs to keep me awake because i wanted to learn and not sleep). My concentration and memory are also shit, I know they could be better if I didn't feel like a train had just ran over me every time I get out of bed. Those are the two main things keeping me depressed right now. I'll give a few details of what I've been through in the past few years so anyone reading this won't mistake me for someone with mild depression. I've spent hundreds of hours laying in bed trying to fall asleep, but i can't because i have insomnia unless i cry myself to sleep. I've pretended to be asleep in class but really crying with my head down countless times. I've wanted to do my hw so much, but i was so lethargic i couldn't get myself to do it. So i told myself do this assignment or get cut with a razor. I got cut. I told myself, the same thing again. I worked for less than 5 min before i stopped. I cut myself deeper. But it wasn't working, I've only cut myself very few times total, and it was always for a definitive purpose, the purpose in that case was to get myself to do hw. Lastly, if my parents didn't love me, i would've killed myself 100 times over by now, its the only thing holding me back. The world seems fundamentally absurd and without purpose. I feel in all probability I will die soon through indirect suicide. I cannot kill myself directly because when i go to do it the thoughts of my parents stop me. However my depressed brain has found a loophole, reckless self endangerment.
- Details
- Relationship status
- Single and looking
- Sexuality
- Heterosexual/Straight
- Ethnicity
- Caucasian/White
- Education
- High School
- Religion
- Agnostic
