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My Salvation Testimony
Posted February 10th 2010 at 03:35 AM by John 6:29
MY TESTIMONY:
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
I have determined that it would be wise to include my testimony of salvation in order that one may find a similarity in them and that others may view what salvation generally looks like. When I speak the word salvation I simply mean this, saved from sin by it's power and consequences through faith in the death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. This is going to be kind of long, but the parts I included I feel are vital.
From an early age I grew up in church, by the age of 5 I had been lead to a false Gospel known as the "sinners prayer." This prayer is simply, "asking Jesus into your heart." When I first said this prayer I was very prideful assuming that I was saved. I immediately had fruit and shared the prayer with a few of my friends. In due time this pride and excitement faded. To make this short, I simply fell away from the Church. I began swearing and using the Lord's name in vain heavily by the age 8. As I began to mature and grow in age, my sin began to mature and grow in severity. During the ages of 8-17, I recited this sinners prayer over and over hoping that if I wasn't saved, that God would save me through this prayer. I continued going to Church until I was 17 however, the Church had been very judgmental and as I result I grew up hating the Church and despising the people there. At 17 I lost my virginity to a girl I swore I was going to marry. As my relations with her began to grow, I was presented with many near death experiences. Whether this was God trying to wake me up, I am uncertain. I almost totaled my car one week, and the next week I did total it going over 110 MPH and falling asleep at the wheel. After all these incidences I prayed the sinners prayer for fear that in case God was real, I wouldn't go to hell. When I turned 18, since I totaled my car I got a job overnights at Walgreens to save up for a car, which eventually I got a Scion XB. After a period of time I left the girl I was with for another -- a long distance relationship.
When I left her I had began to have breathing problems. I would wake up during sleep holding my breath and I couldn't begin breathing again. I would be working overnights and I could not tell if I was inhaling or exhaling and I had to literally think of how to make myself breathe. At 19, I got promoted as a manager and requested to go back to overnights as a manager because they made more money. They placed me in at a store in the ghetto -- literally. Unlike most stores, the closing duties were left to the overnight managers. In other words, we had to close out the registers and deposit the money. One night I was emptying the front register and was held up at gun point, I gave the guy the money in the drawer as he asked and he left. At the time it didn't really register with me that I could have died, but I called the girl I was with and she seemed concerned, and it made me realize that I could have died -- though I stopped caring because I had suspended my belief in God to a degree. Though I considered and consider myself Agnostic, because I began disbelieving in God, it seemed that as much as I disbelieved, I still knew God existed deep down. Though it wasn't apparent at times, I still knew some how.
When I was 20, I moved to Colorado to live with my girlfriend and needless to say, sin abounded dramatically. Not once was I convicted of sin during any of life. I began to consider following Buddhism, though I didn't look deep into it my reasons were rather bland. It seemed to me that most Buddhist were intelligent, peaceful, and lived long. All things I desired. As far as my future goes I planned on being a hairstylist. The reason for this was because I enjoyed cutting hair, I loved art, I heard there was drinking involved, and I'd be working with and on girls all day. To me, this was something that I was vastly interested in just because of the perks, and it seemed fun. As time progressed though reality sunk in and I didn't have the time to go to school for this while working full time. Eventually I got fed up with the relationship with the girl I was in with and we broke up so, I moved back to California.
At this point I was depressed. I began seeing a lot of girls and got involved heavily in pornography and drinking. I sought a purpose for living, though I didn't really see one. Although, hair still seemed what I wanted to do. But, because I took a demotion I could no longer afford it. After talking to my mom's boyfriend (whom I was living with when I moved back), he suggested the military (as he is in the Army). After reviewing some branches, I considered the NAVY. My reasons were similar to that of the hairstylist, though a little different. I would get $120,000 for school, I'd come out as a radiology tech, I'd have over $50,000 saved up, there was a lot of drinking in the NAVY, and I heard girls from other countries wait at the ports to have sex with the people. At the time, this is the life I wanted.
I went to a recruiter, signed my papers, got my ship out date, passed the physical and so on and so forth. I got a trainer to help me lift weights etc. My friend Jordan and I were hanging out one day and we were just talking about the future and what I was going to do with my life. However, something was pressed on my heart. I felt like I was being called to ministry and explained this to my friend. Though I knew I wasn't saved, and I didn't like the church, so I didn't understand why -- I sought help from my previous Pastor just to talk to him about it. My Pastor lead me to some verses in 1 John and 2 Peter in order to examine my life to see if I was saved and I came to the conclusion in finality that I was NOT saved. However, I didn't care. I didn't want to convert really, I guess to a degree I wanted to in order to escape hell, but I figured if I did enough good that God would look at me and say, "You know, you didn't really become a Christian... BUT you're a good person, so I'll let you into Heaven." Therefore, I started going to church and began to cut out sins in my life. I stopped swearing, I stopped seeking sex, for the most part I did fairly well at cutting out sin except for drinking and pornography. In fact, at the time I didn't even know pornography was a sin.
After sitting through a sermon of what Christians were supposed to be living without, I had a new list to begin cutting off, though I still couldn't cut of drunkenness and pornography. I began to realize that I needed true salvation so I said the sinners prayer again, telling God that this time I meant it with all my heart. However, none of my two struggles left and anger was very dominate in my life. Therefore, I knew somehow that I had not been saved and I began reading on the topic of salvation to grow in understanding of it, and it was another "works based" salvation. In other words, "Do this or say this and you're saved." I did what it said and still, no break in any of my sin. One day after reading through the book of John it finally hit me. I realized that God died for my sin. He was on the cross for me, it finally made sense. Not that it didn't make sense before but it was a realization and a clarity that I hadn't experienced and I began to cry.
All of a sudden I had a severe depression when I sinned. Anytime I sinned my heart was grieved and I didn't understand. I didn't think I was saved at this point, though looking back on it I probably was. However, I continued in sin when finally after viewing pornography it just hit me. I couldn't live with the guilt anymore, I went into my room and cried before God. I told Him that I had NO freedom as the Bible said I should have, I confessed that Christ died for me and He became sin and therefore I should be dead to sin and it should have no power over me. I begged Him to have mercy on my and I had freedom from pornography for about 1 month straight after this with no struggle at all. However, I began to seep back into it and it bound me once again. This is the main reason for my doubt of my salvation, however the drinking has been completely solved.
I am not saying that because I sin that I am not saved, I am saying the characteristics practicing sin is not the practice of a true Christian and therefore is a sign that I may not be saved. This is the main reason for my doubt, though sin grieves the Spirit and the Spirit cannot stand sin therefore removes our testimony of salvation. Sin removes the peace that Christ provided, it doesn't remove your salvation... just the peace. However, because of this sin I have become more analytical about salvation. Did I repent? Do I have enough faith? Did I say the right words? You see the problem though? This is no different than the sinners prayer. The sinners prayer has NO power to save. Neither does repenting, neither does faith, neither do words. Salvation relies only on Christ. None the less, one must have faith in Christ to be saved, so how much is enough? I think this is the question I am most concerned with and hope to find through this journal. Most will say, "only a mustard seed faith is needed to save." Yes, but faith is an intangible object and therefore cannot be measured by something that is tangible. So if salvation is solely on Christ, why isn't the world saved? And since the world isn't saved, what is needed for salvation? These are what I hope to answer, and hope to solve to remove all doubts.
As of now, I am uncertain I am saved. What I am certain of is the Bible is true, God is true, Christ (God-incarnate) has died for our sins and rose again. Though at times I even doubt this because of the Holy Spirit being grieved. However, some how, it has been revealed that these are truths to me. I hope this will be revealed to you through my writings and I hope to answer questions of others through my questions.
Tuesday, February 09, 2010
I have determined that it would be wise to include my testimony of salvation in order that one may find a similarity in them and that others may view what salvation generally looks like. When I speak the word salvation I simply mean this, saved from sin by it's power and consequences through faith in the death and resurrection of the Lord Jesus Christ. This is going to be kind of long, but the parts I included I feel are vital.
From an early age I grew up in church, by the age of 5 I had been lead to a false Gospel known as the "sinners prayer." This prayer is simply, "asking Jesus into your heart." When I first said this prayer I was very prideful assuming that I was saved. I immediately had fruit and shared the prayer with a few of my friends. In due time this pride and excitement faded. To make this short, I simply fell away from the Church. I began swearing and using the Lord's name in vain heavily by the age 8. As I began to mature and grow in age, my sin began to mature and grow in severity. During the ages of 8-17, I recited this sinners prayer over and over hoping that if I wasn't saved, that God would save me through this prayer. I continued going to Church until I was 17 however, the Church had been very judgmental and as I result I grew up hating the Church and despising the people there. At 17 I lost my virginity to a girl I swore I was going to marry. As my relations with her began to grow, I was presented with many near death experiences. Whether this was God trying to wake me up, I am uncertain. I almost totaled my car one week, and the next week I did total it going over 110 MPH and falling asleep at the wheel. After all these incidences I prayed the sinners prayer for fear that in case God was real, I wouldn't go to hell. When I turned 18, since I totaled my car I got a job overnights at Walgreens to save up for a car, which eventually I got a Scion XB. After a period of time I left the girl I was with for another -- a long distance relationship.
When I left her I had began to have breathing problems. I would wake up during sleep holding my breath and I couldn't begin breathing again. I would be working overnights and I could not tell if I was inhaling or exhaling and I had to literally think of how to make myself breathe. At 19, I got promoted as a manager and requested to go back to overnights as a manager because they made more money. They placed me in at a store in the ghetto -- literally. Unlike most stores, the closing duties were left to the overnight managers. In other words, we had to close out the registers and deposit the money. One night I was emptying the front register and was held up at gun point, I gave the guy the money in the drawer as he asked and he left. At the time it didn't really register with me that I could have died, but I called the girl I was with and she seemed concerned, and it made me realize that I could have died -- though I stopped caring because I had suspended my belief in God to a degree. Though I considered and consider myself Agnostic, because I began disbelieving in God, it seemed that as much as I disbelieved, I still knew God existed deep down. Though it wasn't apparent at times, I still knew some how.
When I was 20, I moved to Colorado to live with my girlfriend and needless to say, sin abounded dramatically. Not once was I convicted of sin during any of life. I began to consider following Buddhism, though I didn't look deep into it my reasons were rather bland. It seemed to me that most Buddhist were intelligent, peaceful, and lived long. All things I desired. As far as my future goes I planned on being a hairstylist. The reason for this was because I enjoyed cutting hair, I loved art, I heard there was drinking involved, and I'd be working with and on girls all day. To me, this was something that I was vastly interested in just because of the perks, and it seemed fun. As time progressed though reality sunk in and I didn't have the time to go to school for this while working full time. Eventually I got fed up with the relationship with the girl I was in with and we broke up so, I moved back to California.
At this point I was depressed. I began seeing a lot of girls and got involved heavily in pornography and drinking. I sought a purpose for living, though I didn't really see one. Although, hair still seemed what I wanted to do. But, because I took a demotion I could no longer afford it. After talking to my mom's boyfriend (whom I was living with when I moved back), he suggested the military (as he is in the Army). After reviewing some branches, I considered the NAVY. My reasons were similar to that of the hairstylist, though a little different. I would get $120,000 for school, I'd come out as a radiology tech, I'd have over $50,000 saved up, there was a lot of drinking in the NAVY, and I heard girls from other countries wait at the ports to have sex with the people. At the time, this is the life I wanted.
I went to a recruiter, signed my papers, got my ship out date, passed the physical and so on and so forth. I got a trainer to help me lift weights etc. My friend Jordan and I were hanging out one day and we were just talking about the future and what I was going to do with my life. However, something was pressed on my heart. I felt like I was being called to ministry and explained this to my friend. Though I knew I wasn't saved, and I didn't like the church, so I didn't understand why -- I sought help from my previous Pastor just to talk to him about it. My Pastor lead me to some verses in 1 John and 2 Peter in order to examine my life to see if I was saved and I came to the conclusion in finality that I was NOT saved. However, I didn't care. I didn't want to convert really, I guess to a degree I wanted to in order to escape hell, but I figured if I did enough good that God would look at me and say, "You know, you didn't really become a Christian... BUT you're a good person, so I'll let you into Heaven." Therefore, I started going to church and began to cut out sins in my life. I stopped swearing, I stopped seeking sex, for the most part I did fairly well at cutting out sin except for drinking and pornography. In fact, at the time I didn't even know pornography was a sin.
After sitting through a sermon of what Christians were supposed to be living without, I had a new list to begin cutting off, though I still couldn't cut of drunkenness and pornography. I began to realize that I needed true salvation so I said the sinners prayer again, telling God that this time I meant it with all my heart. However, none of my two struggles left and anger was very dominate in my life. Therefore, I knew somehow that I had not been saved and I began reading on the topic of salvation to grow in understanding of it, and it was another "works based" salvation. In other words, "Do this or say this and you're saved." I did what it said and still, no break in any of my sin. One day after reading through the book of John it finally hit me. I realized that God died for my sin. He was on the cross for me, it finally made sense. Not that it didn't make sense before but it was a realization and a clarity that I hadn't experienced and I began to cry.
All of a sudden I had a severe depression when I sinned. Anytime I sinned my heart was grieved and I didn't understand. I didn't think I was saved at this point, though looking back on it I probably was. However, I continued in sin when finally after viewing pornography it just hit me. I couldn't live with the guilt anymore, I went into my room and cried before God. I told Him that I had NO freedom as the Bible said I should have, I confessed that Christ died for me and He became sin and therefore I should be dead to sin and it should have no power over me. I begged Him to have mercy on my and I had freedom from pornography for about 1 month straight after this with no struggle at all. However, I began to seep back into it and it bound me once again. This is the main reason for my doubt of my salvation, however the drinking has been completely solved.
I am not saying that because I sin that I am not saved, I am saying the characteristics practicing sin is not the practice of a true Christian and therefore is a sign that I may not be saved. This is the main reason for my doubt, though sin grieves the Spirit and the Spirit cannot stand sin therefore removes our testimony of salvation. Sin removes the peace that Christ provided, it doesn't remove your salvation... just the peace. However, because of this sin I have become more analytical about salvation. Did I repent? Do I have enough faith? Did I say the right words? You see the problem though? This is no different than the sinners prayer. The sinners prayer has NO power to save. Neither does repenting, neither does faith, neither do words. Salvation relies only on Christ. None the less, one must have faith in Christ to be saved, so how much is enough? I think this is the question I am most concerned with and hope to find through this journal. Most will say, "only a mustard seed faith is needed to save." Yes, but faith is an intangible object and therefore cannot be measured by something that is tangible. So if salvation is solely on Christ, why isn't the world saved? And since the world isn't saved, what is needed for salvation? These are what I hope to answer, and hope to solve to remove all doubts.
As of now, I am uncertain I am saved. What I am certain of is the Bible is true, God is true, Christ (God-incarnate) has died for our sins and rose again. Though at times I even doubt this because of the Holy Spirit being grieved. However, some how, it has been revealed that these are truths to me. I hope this will be revealed to you through my writings and I hope to answer questions of others through my questions.
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